I want to be a little girl again, playing dress up With lacy white dresses, small kid gloves, little white purses, parasels, and stuffed animals. All dressed up with mom's makeup, sitting at a small table covered with a tea set and sitting across from my favorite teddy bear.

I am feeling strangely, sorta, deeply satasfied today, unlike yesterday. I actually got stuff done around the house like cleaning my bathroom and straightening up in preperation for the British family that will be staying in our house. My mom had been asking me to do this for over a week now. They get here tomorrow afternoon when I'm at work but I still have a few things to get done. I also managed to do two loads of laundry and now have clothes for work tomorrow and this weekend. I don't work Friday but I do work sat and sunday. I also finished reading The Secret Garden today. I have been slowly working through it, savoring it these past few weeks. I really enjoy the book, this is my second time reading it and highly recomend it to anyone looking for an easy yet uplifting and satisfying read. I must say it kept me in good spirites today which I desperately needed after yesterday. I also was able to rent the Recruit and watched that while I ate lunch. very good movie. I think I'll have to watch it again on Friday before I turn it in. I then at about 7:15 pm. went up to Barnie's Coffee and got two drinks(happy hours are great things) and sat and read for two hours, making great progress in my summer reading book, Yes I Jessica have summer reading for College, It is a really good book so far, The Road From Coorain, by Jill Ker Conway, and I am actually enjoying, but haven't read much of it until now because I wanted to finish The Sercret Garden first. It is a very discriptive memoir of Jill's life as she grew up on an Austrailian sheep farm. I love the way it is written and it makes me think of my childhood in Lesotho. This reading and sense of getting things down is what has given me a deep sense of satisfaction today. All though I don't know how long it will last.
I leave on Monday to go up to Atlanta and then Spartanburg and then North Carolina to visit my best friend who is here for the summer with her family from Paris, I got to go to Spain and stay with her for two weeks last year and the year before that she was at CSU and we got to hang out for a week. And she'll be back next summer cause she'll be starting College then. I am so excited, because we grew up in Africa together and are best friends but we have never gotten to see each other for very long. we've never lived in the same place. After visiting her I will be at Converse for this Summer Serve thing and get to meet several of my fellow class mates and have a lot of fun at the college. it's just for a couple of days but I am so excited. It means that college is getting closer. My time here at home in Florida is speedly drawing to a close. This excites me in some ways because it means that I'm about to start a new journey, but it also scaries me to death because I don't know if I can survive or not, all I know is that I have to try and I have to rely on God. We'll see when it happens.

What... is it time already?


I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted... wow time flies. I am now a little depressed... I have just been reading my friends blogs, and seeing the days that they leave for college and I realize that I will probably not see some of them before they go off to school because of our wacky sceduales. It saddens me deep down to know that I am lossing so many things that have meant so much to me over the past years and that I have almost taken for granted. I am now home alone, my parents and sister are up at my grandparents in Spartenburg where I will be going to school for the next four years. This has given me a lot of time to think in an empty huge house. Every time I look at my cats it know reminds me of the fact that they wont be going to school with me. I will never again wake up with Tipsy sleeping on my bed and keeping me from rolling over or else I'll squash her. I will no longer be able to just walk to the next room or yell across the house at my parents when I don't understand something or want to talk. My family is the only one that gets to hear me really talk. Ask any of them and when I am in the mood I think I talk their heads off with useless stuff, about how my day went or things that happened. no one else hears these things. i'm normally a mute is public. who is going to be there to listen to me rant and chatter when I go away. I know I talk about probably very boring things to every body else but they mean a lot to me and my family cares about that.. I am very much a home body but yet here I am going 600 miles away to college. I wanted to go away for school... sometimes I don't understand myself...
Church was amazing yesterday, It also made me long deeply for biblestudy again and my friends to talk with... The paster wasn't there and since everybody is gone for the summer I think there was a total of 20 something of us. we meet at the drive in church instead of Oddessy. it was very informal, we had some worship and then spent the rest of the time praying and sharing. it was really good, and everybody got really honest at the end. I love my church but have often felt scared to share what was really going on inside of me with the people there. but it really opened my eyes up to how much I need to look deep inside me and just rely on God. All I could think about was how much I wanted some more Michelle time before I went off to school. Part of me wants to cry deeply because I think I will never see these people again. But I know or atleast I keep telling my self that I will see them again and that we will keep in touch.
I have this strang mentallity that going off to school in Sept. means completely closing the chapter on what my life has been like here in florida... it means completely leaving everything behind and starting all over again. I feel sometimes that I can't bring my friends and mentors with me, I know I can't but I don't want to lose them. I feel at a lose that everything I've known is slipping away and I can't hold on. .. it hurts and I cry... I'm supposed to be happy and excited for school. And I am don't getting me wrong, it just also brings with it a since of pain and loss. I don't quite know how to express what I feel inside so I won't try cause I'll just end up writing myself in circles. and I hate that. Just know that depression is not fun, and I seem to have to deal with it a lot. I don't think I've told any one this, my family doesn't even know is. They just know that when I do talk a lot to them it's a good thing. but I suffer from depression a lot, or atleast depression is what I call it. I don't really understand it and I don't know if I can explain it and I don't know what to do about it or how to stop it, it just happens. I'm kind of in one of those moods right now.
I get very antisocial when I'm depressed and I hate it.
what i think brings on my depression: a feeling of being left out. lack of sleep or tiredness. other reasons beyond my knowledge. Okay enough depressing talk.
On a different note concerning the blog before this one, Orlando Bloom is really hot as a pirate, but in Lord of the Rings, he was not the one I swooned over, it was Aragorn. tall dark and handsome, and hopelessly loyal and rustic.
At work on Friday there was a huge storm with lots of lightening and thunder. At the Florida mall the rain was coming down in sheets and I was so scared. I didn't have an umbrella so I wore a trash bag over me. My car was parked all the way in the back. it took me the better part of five minutes or so to get up the courage to run like mad through all the rain and huge puddles to get to my car. all the while praying frantically that I wouldn't get struck by lightening. And wishing I could call a friend or guy to just talk and calm me down. I don't know why it freaked me out so much but it did. Maybe it was the fact that i didn't have anyone at home to call to tell I had gotten off work, and no one was there to help me, or go with me to my car. I finally mad it to the car, but I cried speratically the whole way home and when I got home all I could do was cry and stay curled up on my couch wishing I could talk to someone, be with someone, and listen to the storm raging out side with security. I normally like storms and love to listen to them. But not this time. it freaked me out. Another thing that freaked me out was that I had left my new computer on when I went to work and all I could do was pray that it still worked when I got home and that my house hadn't been struck by lightening. You may think this is silly to think that my house would be struck but it's not. My house has a record. it's been struck twice before and the last time was last year, so it was due for another strick. Everythings okay though.
Just thought I'd share that, I needed to write it out. If you read this far I aplaud you. I'm sorry it's so long, it's just been a while and I find i have a lot going on and a lot to talk about since there is no one here at home to talk to. I must go take care of a list of things before Katie comes over for supper though. so I'll write more later.

hey my friend laura had this test up on her site and I took it, I love the picture, I think i might swoon....aaaahhhh...lol


You're destined to be with Will Turner! Ooh,
Loving & sweet kisses!


On Pirates of the Caribbean, is your mate Will or Jack?
brought to you by Quizilla

Are you stressed? 

My dad made me take this stress test when I got home from work. And as much as I believed I was relaxed, I failed, it's really an easy and funny test. It's called the Dolphin Stress Test. And I think you should check it out. Have fun, and relax. No one should have to deal with stress.

Dolphin Stress Test

I hope everybody had a great Fourth of July. I had a pretty good one and a couple of surprises along the way that made it even better. The day was nice I woke up and worked out a little, about 5 miles on the bike we just got. Then me and Laura went and saw a Movie at 12:30. We saw Sinbad, and I highly recomend it. I like cartoon movies like that. It was really good and funny at parts. Kind of on the same level as Titan A.E. We then went to Quizno's and got some late lunch and then walked around a bit. we went in to Old Navy and got to see Laura at work. It was nice just to say hi to her. We came home and lounged around a while. I had it set in my head to work on some things... never did... watched Trading spaces though. Anyways we were going to see the fireworks at the Town Centre. Laura wanted to go early and hang with a friend. for some reason I had gotten in one of my moods where I don't want to do anything. But she draged me up there. I'm really glad she did now. We took a blanket and found a spot on the grass and sat down. Here and here friend went of to look around. I stayed put. It was a really nice surprise when Rachel, Amy and her brother came up they sat with us for the fireworks. Kurt and Katie also showed up and sat with us. It was really nice to see them all. I though Kurt had gone already, but it was nice to see him still here.
Sometimes I wish we had been better friends. We never seemed to be able to get close. but o'well. I just hope we can stay intouch which for some reason I highly doubt. The fireworks were good. I always like the grand finale the best. I need to go take a shower and eat lunch then head to work. I'll write more later. maybe

College? Am I ready? 

Do you ever fear the unknown? Or look ahead and see a huge mountain you think looks impossible to climb? Let's even bring it down to an everyday occurance where you are running and a mile ahead is a huge hill you will have to run up, but your energy level is wearing down quickly. Do you run the flat mile in dread of the hill that is to come, or do you enjoy the flat mile to find by the time you get to the bottom of the hill your energy level has increased enough to make it?
As I was running this morning, I knew that ahead of me was a huge hill (as huge as they are in Texas) I was going to have to run up. I was already getting tired and began to dread the hill. Then it dawned on me, that I was wasting time worrying about the hill and not enjoying the part that was easy to run. By the time I got to the hill I realized I had enough energy to make it to the top.
Such is life.
We look ahead and see a task (whether it be conquering a sin, following where the Lord is leading, or unexpected trials that may arise) that seems impossible. We began to doubt our capability and God's strength way before time even comes to attempt the task. The doubt quickly turns to fear and worry ( "and which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span" Luke 12:25) only to hold us back from enjoying what was set before us that very day.
By the time I was running up the hill (that I had dreaded) I thought even if I wanted to walk some or stop to rest, I was still going to make it. I think about tough times in life where we are struggling to keep up and struggling to enjoy the life God has so graciously given us, and think about if we wait till tough times come God will give us exactly what we need to make it to the top again. It may be hard, and we may lose our breath, or stop and rest, BUT we will make it. The only other option is turn around walk down the hill and go farther and farther away from our "home". If we take the tough times and make it through we are well on our way home, but if we give up and turn around we will not make it there until we decide, with God we can handle the scary things that lie ahead. Just like running today, I could have chosen not to run up the hill, but if I hadn't I would never had made it back to my home. :) So, I guess what God taught me today is don't look ahead to the changes and challenges of life in fear and dread, because when we get to the bottom of the hill we will find we have the strength we need to make it to the top. And when we make it to the top of the hill in running, what a relief, what an awesome feeling to look down that hill and think....."I am glad that is over, but boy do I feel good for doing it." Paul was so smart(I am sure he would appreciate the compliment, huh? ;) ) to compare this life to a race. "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us RUN WITH ENDURANCE THE RACE THAT IS SET BEFORE US. Fixing our eyes on JESUS, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY set before HIM endured the cross despising shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1,2 .
Also, I learned that even if running up the hill means walking for a few minutes, it doesn't hinder the fact that you will still make it to the top, but it just might take a little while longer. Some things take a short amount of time and some things may take a longer amount of time, but through it all when you allow God to work, you will make it to the top and understand what James means when he says, " Consider it all joy my brethern, when you encounter various trials, kowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing." James 1:2,3.
Whatever it is that is causes us to be paralyzed from serving God with our whole heart due to fear of the unknown, remember that when time comes to deal with it, God will give us the strength to do so!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't He awesome?

This is an e-mail that one of my best friends sent me. I read it and it is really amazing and applies to many things in life. But right now I think it especially applies to what I am about to face. In my mind I see this really big Mountain: College! It's a big change and a huge step. I don't know if something is wrong with me or what. But every time I think about it the thoughts going through my head are not: I'm ready for this... Bring it on... Or... This is going to be the best time of my life I can't wait... My thoughts resemble something more along the lines of... Will I survive... How do I know this is right for me... Will I enjoy it or end up doing something I hate... Will people understand me there like my friends and family do here... Am I crazy I'm just a little girl barely five feet tall who likes kids books, playing with toys, drawing and being a kid... I can't pay taxes, juggle a job and school, plus social stuff... I can barely handle just one. My goals in life are to serve God, get married, be a stay at home mom. I don't know how the business world works. These are the thoughts going through my head when I think about college. I get scared, I'm worried. Will I be able to keep up my grades in order to keep up my scholarships? Only one person know's the answers to all these questions and what my heart wants to know. Am I going to be able to trust Him enough to get over this mountain... Or will I get desperately home sick and run home to mommy after the first term never to leave home again. I'm scared of growing up... sometimes I wonder if I can handle it all. But then I remember that I don't have to and that God will be there with me through it all. I know it will all happen so fast and I won't notice till years after it's happened but that doesn't make it any less scary. Part of all this deep thinking and fear is brought on by the fact that I will be 18 in about a month and then I'll get to vote. Part of me is excited but part of me thinks Am I really old enough? I don't know what I'm doing... Anyways I hope you enjoyed the e-mail and all my rambling. It really made me think. I think I'm going to go talk to God some instead of my Blog cause I'm sure you guys are tired of reading this by now. Thank you for sticking with me if you did. To let you in on a little secret for reading this far... I always cry when I get scared and think about the future. Which I think I'm going to go do know and get out of my system. I'm in need of a cleansing. Crying is a really healthy thing I believe. Well good night ya'll