I'm almost done

Today all I have to do is study for my last exam in art history and pack. As soon as my exam is over tomorrow morning I am getting out of here. I can't wait till I can get home and sleep in my own room and bed and be with my family and friends again. If I had it my way I would drive through the night to get home, but I can't do that. I'm going back with my Grandparents and we are going to spend the night in Savanah and make the rest of the trip on Friday. I got a big paper and my German exam over with yesterday and I felt a big weight lift off of my shoulders. I'm having a hard time sitting still and studying for my last exam because I am so excited to go home. Christmas is here!!!!! I can't say it enough. I just wish that they didn't give us cumulative finals. That they would just take whatever our grade is in the class at the time and be done with it.

Oh I better go study, I'm being a very bad girl. I had some nasty tasting Easymac for lunch, cause it is pouring down rain outside and I didn't want to walk to the dining hall. Oh well. When I get home I get to help my mom with all of her christmas baking, which always means lots of bowls to lick!!! And my dad has tickets to go see the Lord of The Rings Two Towers when it is in theaters again and then I get to go see the last one The Return of The King.

It's a little lonely around here right now. My roommate has already finished her exams and left for the break, so I get to close up the room by myself. I just wish that I could leave right now. But I can't.

Listening
Christmas music on the netscape radio, puting myself in a good mood, and in the Christmas spirit!!!

Sorry that it has been so long since I last blogged. Things have been getting a little busier around here as we head in to Thanksgiving break and then the end of the term and Christmas break. Only three more weeks till I get to go home finally. Just for a general update, I am doing much better than I was the last time I blogged. I'm having some quiet times with God again. And I'm staying busy with school work. Trying not to get behind anymore. I have a big research paper due on Dec. 9th as my final but I really don't want to end up putting it off till the last minute. Which I do way to much of!!
ANYways, schools going pretty good, can't wait for it to be over. I registered for classes the other week and it was really nice and easy. Unlike my friend Katie's experience at UF. Academic Advising 101 you should check it out, and sympathize with her.
That is one of the things that I love about a small college. I have my academic advisor that I make an apointment with. I went to see her, she sat down with me at the computer and asked what classes i was looking at. I told her what I was thinking about, I had done some research about what was available online. We then clicked on the courses that I wanted and if they weren't available looked at others. Everything needed for registration is online and available to the students. As freshman we are required to go through our advisors. Prof. Prater is really nice, she works in the art department, but they make sure that all the advisors know about the General Ed requirements and are there to help you figure out what you want to do. Another thing about it being a small college is that they know where you need to go if you have a certain question and very rarely will you get the run around. After taking ten to fifteen minutes to register I left her office very satisfied. I am thinking about majoring in Education, probably elementary. and I want to minor in Physics. So she told me to go see someone in the education department to discuss the track that I would need to take to go about doing that.

I don't know if any of this is making any sense but it was all very easily done. And this past tuesday I met one of the education department heads at a luncheon and he said I could come see him anytime, his office is just done the hall from one of my other classes. And to get started with education, and to see if that's what I want to do all I have to do is take the Foundations of American Education course which he teaches. I love getting answers to my questions.

And at the same time, my Am. Lit. professor is trying to convince me to be an English major. Do you think that I could be an Elementary Education major, an English major and a Physics minor. That sounds like a lot of stuff to me. maybe we'll have to think about this a little bit more. Who knows what could happen.
Well after taking you through all of this I guess I should tell you what classes I signed up for.

For Winter term:
Personal Finance: based on Biblical Principals
Film history
For Spring term:
Intro to ROTC
Basics of ROTC
Modern European History
Elem. German II
Christian Traditions- a religions course
I'm looking forward to taking these classes. the sound pretty exciting. Well I have to run to class now. I'll write more later. There is an issue I wish to write my opinion about, and I think I will let my voice be heard. Have a great Friday. Four more days till Thanksgiving Break!!!

Heart ache continued...

Well I woke up this morning, went to breakfast and had a belgium waffle, started out in a pretty good mood, I got my German homework done last night and finally came up with something to write my paper on. I came back to the room and as my roommate was getting ready for class I decided to turn my computer on and check my e-mail. Well I first play around putting some music on that I want Sarah to hear and then I look at my inbox. I got an e-mail from my dad but the Subject is "sad news from Lesotho". now I know this can't be good. I was just there this summer, what could have happened between then and now. Well this is what the message read...

Hi Jessica,
Wes sent some sad news from Lesotho. I'm glad we got to see 'Me Mabene in August.
Love, Dad

Dear Atherton family,

We thought you would want to know that 'Memabene (sp?) died last week from cancer. She was diagnosed with a stomach cancer 6 months ago and was undergoing chemo in Bloem.

Sorry for the sad news.

Other news .. there was a fire in Roma. The complete row of shops in front of the Univ. was burned down. Ashley was insured for the contents of his store but the store itself is no longer useful.

Wes

Well your probably wondering who 'Me Mabene is. She was our maid in Lesotho. She would help mom around the house, watch me and Laura when mom and dad were gone and even clean our room when mom had told her to leave it alone so that we could clean it!!! She just couldn't stand the mess that we would leave!! She was kind of a part of the family. When I went back this summer we got to go up to her house to visit her. We knew that she had cancer and had had surgery and was taking chemo therapy, but I though she was going to be okay and she was getting better. Maybe it was just my little mind holding on to something I didn't want to let go of or accept. She would make dolls and sell them at the market, and we have several of them. On of them is wearing a wedding dress and she used an old flower button off of one of my dresses as the bouquet for it.

I've already missed one class this morning cause I'm still crying over it, but I can't miss my next one. Life just seems to be going done hill from here. And about the Thorns store that burned. I was just there this summer too. And I bought a hat and gloves there because it was really cold. I hope that they can rebuild and it will be okay. Well I have to go to class now. so I better suck it up for now.

Cracked Heart

Last weekend, fall break went great. My mom was here and my wisdom teeth surgery went well. I got to go shopping with her and hang out at my grandparents for the whole weekend. I also got my homework done. its now the begining of another long week to come. As my roommate keeps saying only two weeks and two days till thanksgiving break. I had writen a blog earlier about my wonderful Friday but it got deleted and I'm no longer in that happy mood to write about it. Lets just say that one of my classes got canceled and I got to go to a concert in the music building and I also got to go see a bunch of really funny skits and dances.

This week has been 1889 week, which is a celebration of the colleges founding in 1889. It's filled with a lot of different competitions between the classes. The week ends with a semi-formal dance on Sat. night. I went with a group of girlfriends and it was really interesting. I half to say that it was my first experience at a college party. Drinking and smoking and everything. The band that played was really good though and I had fun dancing. it is just a little disheartening to see people that you thought wouldn't drink with a beer in their hand, even if they are 21 or older. Do you know what I mean. Especially if it is someone that you kindof looked up to. I guess I can't get to upset over it, but it's just kind of sickening to hear all these stories of people that you know and all the stuff that they have done. overall it was a pretty good night though. We went to applebees for dinner before hand and I had a really good crispy chicken salad, and sizzling apple pie for dessert.

I'm just not looking forward to all the homework that I still have to do and the paper that I have to write for tuesday. I don't even know what I'm going to write it on. I'm feeling not so good lately. I'm living for the next weekend and for the end of the day and for Christmas break. I don't like that and I don't know at what point it got to be like that. I also don't know how to stop, I want to live abundantly and not always trying to just get through the day and not dive under. It's a big game of servival now. I feel like a pathetic bump on a log and a useless piece of leftovers. I feel so hungry inside for something more, I know that there is something else out there that there is more to life than this meaningless existance, I've experienced it before. But I don't know where to turn, I don't know who to ask for help, who to tell. I feel I have to do it all on my own. But I know I don't. I just want to go home. Right now I really don't like this college thing. I like Converse and stuff and the people are nice and I have made some friends. But I still hate it.

I don't feel ready to be here, to be on my own, the pressures are to much at times, and right now is one of them. I don't have any of my friends from home here with me and I miss all of the fellowship that I had back home. To say I'm struggling in a lot of things would be an understatement. At times I think that I am doing good, but i'm really just hiding what's really going on inside. my walk with God has been very inconsistant if that, and I feel that I'm being asked to lead spiritually when right know all I feel like is that I'm the one who needs the leading. I think I have finally found a church to go to that I like.

The weather here is really cold and I think it fits my mood and life very well right now.

New Look

How do you like the new look? I had a lot of funny monkeying with it to get what I wanted. I hope it looks okay. Any suggestions just leave a comment.

Fall Break is almost here!!!

Thats right folks, this week I only have classes on mon, tue, and wednesday. And then a lovely long needed long weekend and my mom is coming up to be with me. Even though I am having wisdom teeth surgery the first day I am still very much looking forward to it. And my mom gets to stay for a whole week.
Have I told you how much I love my mom? She is so cool and I miss her so much. Our family (or at least the girls in the family) is big into stamping cards and stuff. And my mom periodically sends me one of these gorgeous cards with a sweet note writen in it. As I'm sure you know, it is very excited to go to the mail room and as you turn the key to your mail box see an actually letter or card sticking out just waiting for you to take it back to your room and read it. It's like a tingling feeling just races up your spin when you see it sitting there. It means that someone cares, that someone took time out of their day to write to you. And when it's from you mom, all the other mail in the box just doesn't exsist. Being away from home has given me a better appreciation for who my parents are and the job that they had in raising me. And I am very proud to say that I think my parents did an excellent job and that I turned out all right!!
It's kind of funny now, but when I talk to my parents, it seems different. I still ask them lots of questions about stuff and what I should do, but they now also ask me things, like what they should do with my sister. She just got another boyfriend and is also learning to drive. All too scary. But it almost seems like we are now more on a level of best friends. We have always been friends but it is different when you live at home. I don't know quite how to explain it but it is a good thing. I understand more now where they are coming from when they do certain things, I realize more now the things that they do out of love for me even when it didn't seem like it at the time.
I thought I'd just share that little bit of revelation, brought on by getting another card and a box of cookies from home.
I have a project to go work on that is due Tuesday. I'll update more later about my plans for next weekend!!!

Hey check out this new link that I put on my site. I know it is not Christmas but I really love this song and it speaks to my heart. Especially when it says that she kissed the face of God. Mary was so blessed. Mary Did You Know? It is just an amazing tune as well as lyrics and it's a great relaxer. Hope it speaks to your heart too and makes your day.

Ramblin' thoughts
Today has been a pretty good day. Except that I now have a $40.00 hole in my check book. I just went to the business office to pay for dropping and then adding a class at the beginning of the semester. It is amazing how much college costs. They not only want your tuition, they want all of your money. Thankfully workstudy goes straight into my checking account and I can do what ever I want with it. They don't get to keep that.
Yesterday I did something I have never done before and I don't know whether to be proud of myself or mad at myself. Either way I probably need to go work out because of it. I at an entire small Papa Johns pizza by myself. It lasted me two meals and afterwards I could still taste that wonderful cheese and sause. Yum was it good. But man do I feel fat now!! It was worth it though. I just wish I had a treadmill in my room so I wouldn't have to walk all the way to the Gym. (Aren't I just so lazy!!!)
This weekend I actually got a lot of my homework done that I needed to. I will never ever get it all done, because by the time i finish one thing I have been given something else to do on top of that. I do feel a little more relaxed about this week though because of the work that I go done this weekend. I still have to go study for a German test and a Psychology test. I let you know how I do later. Let me just say this, I love my Psychology teacher, he is the greatest and I love that class. The stuff we are learning is so interesting and actually applies to many other areas. I also like my art class. It is pretty interesting, and right now we are moving pretty slowly which makes it nice for me. I have a field trip to Atlanta with art to see some of the museums there which should be lots of fun. We will be gone the whole day and get back around 7 that night. It should be a fun trip and we get to ride in a charter bus and not a school bus!!! Yet I still can't wait for this week to be over and it is only Monday. How sad is that. Oh well...let it be sad.!!!

Update Time

I know it's been a long time since i've updated and there are a few things to tell about even if it has been a while since they happened.
Lil Sis Big Sis week was tons of fun, let me tell you I got tons of cool stuff including a nice monogramed flanel blanket that will be well used. My big sister is Chasity Mahaffey who is actually in my German class so that is really cool. She is a Christian and really nice person. And like I think I said earlier my roomate is my twin and our other triplet is a day student named Hiedi. I got to meet her at the revealing ceramony which was tons of fun. They made us stand with our other lil sisters around the fountain and then blindfolded us. We thought they were going to push us in, but they didn't thankfully because that water is nasty. they then called out our names and our big sister came and unblind folded us. We weren't aloud to talk until everybody had been revealed and then there was a karoke party afterwards and stuff. That was several weeks ago now. But just thought I'd let you know how it ended since I build you up with my last blog.

Since then lots of things have happened. Including some not so good ones. But to start with something exciting I was able to give blood two weeks ago. They had a blood drive here at school and I did fine. I almost fainted while they were taking it but they woke me up real fast when they made me smell this amonia stuff...wooooff...that stuff will take your breath away. I had tryed to give blood my senior year in highschool, but because I had been to Morrocco that summer they said that I had to wait a whole year before I could give. Well it's been a year. And it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I got orange juice, a cool shirt and the satisfaction of knowing I helped save someones life, out of it. Pretty good rewards I think.
Anyways, about the not so good stuff, is it just me or do all college proffessors collaborate about when they are going to start giving their first tests. Mine all seem to have come in the same week. The good news is that I did pretty good on all of them. I got an A on my art test, and A- on my Lit paper and an A on Psychology(the highest grade in the class actually :-) ) and The only one I'm not to happy about is the B I got on my German test. I really don't do good with languages and it takes a lot of work. As the weeks go on I am beginning to get the hang of all of my classes and learn how to do the work. I still never seem to have enough time for things.

Oh, another very important thing that happened recently. Campus Crusade here at Converse went on the regional Fall Getaway and Me and three other girls went. On of the girls was a friend from my hall who was not saved yet,(she knew somewhat about it but wasn't really sure, she had been to sunday school as a child and stuff) Well a few days before I was meeting Alyssa, the leader here for lunch and Alicia(my friend) happened to join us and Alyssa got to go through the four spiritual laws with her. She didn't accept Christ right then, but I was going to talk with her later about it. I got to talk to her while we were at the getaway doing quite times and I wasn't sure if she prayed or not because we kind of did seperate things after I talked with her for a bit. Well, here comes the exciting part, on Wed. night when we had a biblestudy in our room, I found out that she had prayed to receive Christ that day. And God is just so amazing for letting me be an influence in her life. I hope to continue to help her to grow!!! So if you could be praying for her that would be great.

As for exciting news I think that is about it. Fall break is coming up at the end of Oct. and I'm having oral surgery to have my top wisdom teeth taken out on the 30th, the first day of break. And my mom gets to come up the be with me for the whole weekend. I can't wait because I haven't seen any of my family since I got here. (except my grandparents of course because they live in town, I have spent many a weekend at their house) I am also excited because it means that the headaches and sore teeth should go away.
thanksgiving break is like three or four weeks after that, and I get to go to atlanta to spend it with my other grandparents. and the two weeks after that is Christmas break. And the Pepperment Ball is right before Christmas Break, Anybody want to be my date?
Life right now is actually not that bad. I still can't believe that I am in college.

Lil Sis Big Sis

It's little sis big sis week here on campus. Since Converse doesn't have any sororities the have this Sister program instead. And the good thing it that everybody is involved and it establishes a sisterhood of sorts. The odd year classes are Red Devils and the even year Classes are Pink Panthers. So the juniors are out big sister class. It's alot of fun. there is this whole week of big sis/ lil sis fun. We don't know who our big sister is, but we get deliveries of tons of stuff from them through out the week and we have a bunch of mixers. Since there is more freshman than Juniors some of them have more than one lil sis. So we may have a twin or triplet out there. It's a whole lot of fun and guess what? it started yesterday night.
We got our first delivery of stuff from out big sis last night. They get there friends or other people to do all the running for them so we won't find out who they are. And it was so exciting to come back from work last night to find a tub full of stuff in my room. and my roommate Sarah is my twin. I got all kinds of stuff. I got my devil tail, and horns and a pitch fork and a big red pillow and a little teddy bear and a bunch of other stuff, all of it red. And supposedly this isn't all that we are going to get. We are also supposed to wear our tails and horns around all week. It's just a lot of fun and makes college a little bit cooler. I can't wait to find out who my big sis is. Everybody else seems to know except us. lol

Well on a less exciting note, school work seems to be getting harder. And I'm not sure if I can keep up with this new form of studying and doing work. The teachers don't seem to set specific outlines for stuff and they also don't remind us of things, we just some how have to know. Any ways, I going to go try to figure out what I need to do to not fail my tests tomorrow. hopefully I'll update more often, a lot has been going on, but I don't seem to have much time.

Hey, well on a less depressing note, I ended up going and switching out of the 2-D design class and am instead taking General Psychology. which should be fun. I've always wanted to take a psychology class, and it counts toward my GEP requirements. On top of that it is on tuesdays and thursdays which makes my schedule so much more balanced. It has been a pretty good Saturday so far. last night I watched a movie with some of the other girls and this morning I woke up at 9. which is actually really good for me. It is amazing how ghostly these halls become on the weekends, everybody seems to go home or other places. My roommate left at like 7 this morning to go with the volleyball team to Tennessee for a game and she's supposed to get back tonight. So I've really had the room to myself and it has been a little too quiet at times. I really need to work on my studies, seeing as how I did nothing yesterday and have not done much today.

I had my first day of work in the library today and it was really boring, it was pretty dead the whole time. the people I worked with though seemed pretty nice. Patricia, she's a graduate student and she's from Romania, she seems really nice and very passionate about things as well. I work again tomorrow as well. ye ha!

Drowning Already

I feel I'm drowning, I have just jumped into a huge lake and swam out a ways but am unable to swim back in, and I am just a little to far out for thoughs on shore to hear my screams. The water is so cold and my body begins to shiver, I lift my voice up to the sky, the only one who hears me is God. I'm screaming for help. I no longer know my way back home. I long for someone to point me in the right direction. to reach down a hand and pull me up. to rescue me from the dread of my own thoughts. As I slowly get colder I am unable to stay afloat. My limbs begin to cramp. And soon all that's left is the echo's of my fading cries. Beautifal yet depressing.
I don't know quite how to decribe my mood and feelings right now. I just know that I am completely confused and unsure of myself and my ability to do anything right now. I am also having serious doubts about my earlier decisions and what I thought I wanted to do. And the worst part is that I don't know who to turn to to talk about what's going on in my mind. I think I really just need someone to listen and tell me its okay. And maybe point me in the right direction. I'm already worried about what to take next semester and what I'll do in my other years. I know this is not going to do me any good. I know I said I wanted to do interior design but is it really okay to back out and say that I really don't know what I want to do and that I really don't want to have to worry about that right now. I've already started taking some of the classes that go toward that major and I'm already really scared. One of them can go toward my gep requirements. I'm interested in interior design but part of me doesn't really want to do it. I kind of want to do something in like physic's or in education. The pamphlet that I read for my honours literature class really made me think yesterday about what I want to do. Now I have always really enjoyed science and math. Especially physics and chemistry. And for a long time I wanted to do something in engineering. I don't really know why I decided I wasn't going to do it. I wonder now if it wasn't because I was scared that it wasn't something I should do, but my friend rachel is doing engineering, so why cann't I. At the time I made the excuse that I wasn't interested in it anymore. but I kind of still am. I like art don't get me wrong. i really enjoy art and would like to learn to draw and maybe paint. but I think what I'm looking for as far as that is concerned is a learning environment where I can be taught it and it really doesn't matter how good I end up being at it. I would also like to take a class in photography and maybe jewelry making. But does this interest in wanting to say learn how to design a room and learn some architecture really hold enough talent and dedication for me to major in it and work in that area. Or is it merely an interest that goes no further than wanting to expand my horizons and try something new and without the expectations to do anything more with it. Do I want to do it merely to add it to the list of hobbies and things that I've tried. Say, the same as being able to say I've been snowboarding or that I enjoy doing leisurely swimming as an exercise. But not like saying I'm a proffessional snowboarder or that I'm on the Olympic swim team. I hope I'm making sense. I really am just trying to figure this out for myself. Trying to determine what I really want out of my college experience. Do I want to walk away saying i majored in this and didn't do anything else. I am slightly saddened my the fact that I have exempted math and only have to take one science and that I won't have space in my sceduale to take any more. I really enjoy these areas, yet this is what I'm not doing. I guess I'm so worried about what I'm going to do after college, and also that I have to be able to tell people what I'm doing that I've forgotten about the right now. I would really like to be able to talk to my advisor about this, but I don't really know her that well and I always have trouble expressing myself verbally and always seem to walk away feeling very inadiquite. Some times I wish that people could just look into my mind and know exactly what I'm feeling and what I mean. Again it brings me back to that feeling of drowning and being alone.
I know that God is going to help me through this and that I don't have to worry about what other people think of me if I change my mind. But I'm so scared to, because I want to do the right thing and what God wants, but I don't know what God wants. Yes, I love to paint rooms and decorate and organize and clean. And I do like to arrange furniture. But I honestly think I'd make a better science teacher or elementary teach. I also know that what ever classes I take in college are going to be harder and demand more of me than those I took in highschool. Wether they are art classes or math. I also know that I have only been to my classes for one day now. I like my German class and am excited about that one. And my honours lit sounds challenging but fun. It kind of deals with Science and literature which I like. the other two I'm just praying I pass. I know this is extremely long but I was in need of getting it all writen out and I forgive you if you fell asleep in the middle of it. :-) Maybe I should just go around saying I'm undecided right know.

Schools going okay, I'm am now finally off at college. I actually have several things that I should be doing this morning. Classes start today and I don't know how I feel. I'm a little nervous about them. I only have one today though. my other three are on Mon, Wed , and Frid's . I'm only taking 12 credits this semester which should help to make the transistion easier. I also have Work study for ten hours a week and will be working in the Library. I'm happy about that but I have to work on Saturdays. oh well. I've meet several others who are Christians on my floor and I hope to get closer to them. Sarah my roommate is really cool. I've actually enjoyed myself during Orientation. And the food in the dining hall isn't that bad. there's not to much to do in the way of fun but I'm sure that I will discover stuff to do. I just can't wait to be on a regular sceduale again.

Every time I read my friends blogs or think of them and my family I get a little teary eyed. It's going to be hard giving up thoughs things and dealing with the change. When every I meet people I hope that I will find them to be just like my friends, but they're not, they are different, they are their own person. I'm just always weary of the unfamiliar. God is all I have left. And I realize this more and more as I go through each day. That he is going to be the one to get me through it and to grow me as a person as I go through these changes. just as I relied on Him in highschool I am going to have to rely on Him even more now. I just pray that I will always be in His hands and that I won't take my life into my own. I have also begun the search for a church to go to. From the looks of it right now it's going to take me a little while.

I'm home, Just got back on Wed. from Africa, and let me tell you it was a great trip. I had so much fun and it brought back so many memories. I kept a journal of what we did and stuff so I will never forget. I was there for two weeks, but it seemed to short. we were very busy going all over the place. it was kind of like a pilgramage going around visiting all the places I remember. I even got to see the old house that we used to live in. This experience has brought about many different feelings that I think will take me awhile to process. right now though I'm getting ready to head off to college in five days. and I can't wait. well I have a lot to do today so I'll write more later but just wanted to let you know that I'm back.

3 days till I turn 18!!! yippie
7 days till I leave for Africa for two weeks with my dad.
22 days till I get back from Africa
29 days till I leave for College.
that leaves 12 days to actually get ready and pack for college.

My time here is swiftly coming to an end. I will soon no longer be a minor. I will soon get to visit my birth place and see old friends. And i will soon head of to life with out my parents and friends around. A life of independance and lonelyness. The summer is almost over and time to head back to school. But this time things will be different.

update on Summer Serve coming soon.

I want to be a little girl again, playing dress up With lacy white dresses, small kid gloves, little white purses, parasels, and stuffed animals. All dressed up with mom's makeup, sitting at a small table covered with a tea set and sitting across from my favorite teddy bear.

I am feeling strangely, sorta, deeply satasfied today, unlike yesterday. I actually got stuff done around the house like cleaning my bathroom and straightening up in preperation for the British family that will be staying in our house. My mom had been asking me to do this for over a week now. They get here tomorrow afternoon when I'm at work but I still have a few things to get done. I also managed to do two loads of laundry and now have clothes for work tomorrow and this weekend. I don't work Friday but I do work sat and sunday. I also finished reading The Secret Garden today. I have been slowly working through it, savoring it these past few weeks. I really enjoy the book, this is my second time reading it and highly recomend it to anyone looking for an easy yet uplifting and satisfying read. I must say it kept me in good spirites today which I desperately needed after yesterday. I also was able to rent the Recruit and watched that while I ate lunch. very good movie. I think I'll have to watch it again on Friday before I turn it in. I then at about 7:15 pm. went up to Barnie's Coffee and got two drinks(happy hours are great things) and sat and read for two hours, making great progress in my summer reading book, Yes I Jessica have summer reading for College, It is a really good book so far, The Road From Coorain, by Jill Ker Conway, and I am actually enjoying, but haven't read much of it until now because I wanted to finish The Sercret Garden first. It is a very discriptive memoir of Jill's life as she grew up on an Austrailian sheep farm. I love the way it is written and it makes me think of my childhood in Lesotho. This reading and sense of getting things down is what has given me a deep sense of satisfaction today. All though I don't know how long it will last.
I leave on Monday to go up to Atlanta and then Spartanburg and then North Carolina to visit my best friend who is here for the summer with her family from Paris, I got to go to Spain and stay with her for two weeks last year and the year before that she was at CSU and we got to hang out for a week. And she'll be back next summer cause she'll be starting College then. I am so excited, because we grew up in Africa together and are best friends but we have never gotten to see each other for very long. we've never lived in the same place. After visiting her I will be at Converse for this Summer Serve thing and get to meet several of my fellow class mates and have a lot of fun at the college. it's just for a couple of days but I am so excited. It means that college is getting closer. My time here at home in Florida is speedly drawing to a close. This excites me in some ways because it means that I'm about to start a new journey, but it also scaries me to death because I don't know if I can survive or not, all I know is that I have to try and I have to rely on God. We'll see when it happens.

What... is it time already?


I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted... wow time flies. I am now a little depressed... I have just been reading my friends blogs, and seeing the days that they leave for college and I realize that I will probably not see some of them before they go off to school because of our wacky sceduales. It saddens me deep down to know that I am lossing so many things that have meant so much to me over the past years and that I have almost taken for granted. I am now home alone, my parents and sister are up at my grandparents in Spartenburg where I will be going to school for the next four years. This has given me a lot of time to think in an empty huge house. Every time I look at my cats it know reminds me of the fact that they wont be going to school with me. I will never again wake up with Tipsy sleeping on my bed and keeping me from rolling over or else I'll squash her. I will no longer be able to just walk to the next room or yell across the house at my parents when I don't understand something or want to talk. My family is the only one that gets to hear me really talk. Ask any of them and when I am in the mood I think I talk their heads off with useless stuff, about how my day went or things that happened. no one else hears these things. i'm normally a mute is public. who is going to be there to listen to me rant and chatter when I go away. I know I talk about probably very boring things to every body else but they mean a lot to me and my family cares about that.. I am very much a home body but yet here I am going 600 miles away to college. I wanted to go away for school... sometimes I don't understand myself...
Church was amazing yesterday, It also made me long deeply for biblestudy again and my friends to talk with... The paster wasn't there and since everybody is gone for the summer I think there was a total of 20 something of us. we meet at the drive in church instead of Oddessy. it was very informal, we had some worship and then spent the rest of the time praying and sharing. it was really good, and everybody got really honest at the end. I love my church but have often felt scared to share what was really going on inside of me with the people there. but it really opened my eyes up to how much I need to look deep inside me and just rely on God. All I could think about was how much I wanted some more Michelle time before I went off to school. Part of me wants to cry deeply because I think I will never see these people again. But I know or atleast I keep telling my self that I will see them again and that we will keep in touch.
I have this strang mentallity that going off to school in Sept. means completely closing the chapter on what my life has been like here in florida... it means completely leaving everything behind and starting all over again. I feel sometimes that I can't bring my friends and mentors with me, I know I can't but I don't want to lose them. I feel at a lose that everything I've known is slipping away and I can't hold on. .. it hurts and I cry... I'm supposed to be happy and excited for school. And I am don't getting me wrong, it just also brings with it a since of pain and loss. I don't quite know how to express what I feel inside so I won't try cause I'll just end up writing myself in circles. and I hate that. Just know that depression is not fun, and I seem to have to deal with it a lot. I don't think I've told any one this, my family doesn't even know is. They just know that when I do talk a lot to them it's a good thing. but I suffer from depression a lot, or atleast depression is what I call it. I don't really understand it and I don't know if I can explain it and I don't know what to do about it or how to stop it, it just happens. I'm kind of in one of those moods right now.
I get very antisocial when I'm depressed and I hate it.
what i think brings on my depression: a feeling of being left out. lack of sleep or tiredness. other reasons beyond my knowledge. Okay enough depressing talk.
On a different note concerning the blog before this one, Orlando Bloom is really hot as a pirate, but in Lord of the Rings, he was not the one I swooned over, it was Aragorn. tall dark and handsome, and hopelessly loyal and rustic.
At work on Friday there was a huge storm with lots of lightening and thunder. At the Florida mall the rain was coming down in sheets and I was so scared. I didn't have an umbrella so I wore a trash bag over me. My car was parked all the way in the back. it took me the better part of five minutes or so to get up the courage to run like mad through all the rain and huge puddles to get to my car. all the while praying frantically that I wouldn't get struck by lightening. And wishing I could call a friend or guy to just talk and calm me down. I don't know why it freaked me out so much but it did. Maybe it was the fact that i didn't have anyone at home to call to tell I had gotten off work, and no one was there to help me, or go with me to my car. I finally mad it to the car, but I cried speratically the whole way home and when I got home all I could do was cry and stay curled up on my couch wishing I could talk to someone, be with someone, and listen to the storm raging out side with security. I normally like storms and love to listen to them. But not this time. it freaked me out. Another thing that freaked me out was that I had left my new computer on when I went to work and all I could do was pray that it still worked when I got home and that my house hadn't been struck by lightening. You may think this is silly to think that my house would be struck but it's not. My house has a record. it's been struck twice before and the last time was last year, so it was due for another strick. Everythings okay though.
Just thought I'd share that, I needed to write it out. If you read this far I aplaud you. I'm sorry it's so long, it's just been a while and I find i have a lot going on and a lot to talk about since there is no one here at home to talk to. I must go take care of a list of things before Katie comes over for supper though. so I'll write more later.

hey my friend laura had this test up on her site and I took it, I love the picture, I think i might swoon....aaaahhhh...lol


You're destined to be with Will Turner! Ooh,
Loving & sweet kisses!


On Pirates of the Caribbean, is your mate Will or Jack?
brought to you by Quizilla

Are you stressed? 

My dad made me take this stress test when I got home from work. And as much as I believed I was relaxed, I failed, it's really an easy and funny test. It's called the Dolphin Stress Test. And I think you should check it out. Have fun, and relax. No one should have to deal with stress.

Dolphin Stress Test

I hope everybody had a great Fourth of July. I had a pretty good one and a couple of surprises along the way that made it even better. The day was nice I woke up and worked out a little, about 5 miles on the bike we just got. Then me and Laura went and saw a Movie at 12:30. We saw Sinbad, and I highly recomend it. I like cartoon movies like that. It was really good and funny at parts. Kind of on the same level as Titan A.E. We then went to Quizno's and got some late lunch and then walked around a bit. we went in to Old Navy and got to see Laura at work. It was nice just to say hi to her. We came home and lounged around a while. I had it set in my head to work on some things... never did... watched Trading spaces though. Anyways we were going to see the fireworks at the Town Centre. Laura wanted to go early and hang with a friend. for some reason I had gotten in one of my moods where I don't want to do anything. But she draged me up there. I'm really glad she did now. We took a blanket and found a spot on the grass and sat down. Here and here friend went of to look around. I stayed put. It was a really nice surprise when Rachel, Amy and her brother came up they sat with us for the fireworks. Kurt and Katie also showed up and sat with us. It was really nice to see them all. I though Kurt had gone already, but it was nice to see him still here.
Sometimes I wish we had been better friends. We never seemed to be able to get close. but o'well. I just hope we can stay intouch which for some reason I highly doubt. The fireworks were good. I always like the grand finale the best. I need to go take a shower and eat lunch then head to work. I'll write more later. maybe

College? Am I ready? 

Do you ever fear the unknown? Or look ahead and see a huge mountain you think looks impossible to climb? Let's even bring it down to an everyday occurance where you are running and a mile ahead is a huge hill you will have to run up, but your energy level is wearing down quickly. Do you run the flat mile in dread of the hill that is to come, or do you enjoy the flat mile to find by the time you get to the bottom of the hill your energy level has increased enough to make it?
As I was running this morning, I knew that ahead of me was a huge hill (as huge as they are in Texas) I was going to have to run up. I was already getting tired and began to dread the hill. Then it dawned on me, that I was wasting time worrying about the hill and not enjoying the part that was easy to run. By the time I got to the hill I realized I had enough energy to make it to the top.
Such is life.
We look ahead and see a task (whether it be conquering a sin, following where the Lord is leading, or unexpected trials that may arise) that seems impossible. We began to doubt our capability and God's strength way before time even comes to attempt the task. The doubt quickly turns to fear and worry ( "and which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span" Luke 12:25) only to hold us back from enjoying what was set before us that very day.
By the time I was running up the hill (that I had dreaded) I thought even if I wanted to walk some or stop to rest, I was still going to make it. I think about tough times in life where we are struggling to keep up and struggling to enjoy the life God has so graciously given us, and think about if we wait till tough times come God will give us exactly what we need to make it to the top again. It may be hard, and we may lose our breath, or stop and rest, BUT we will make it. The only other option is turn around walk down the hill and go farther and farther away from our "home". If we take the tough times and make it through we are well on our way home, but if we give up and turn around we will not make it there until we decide, with God we can handle the scary things that lie ahead. Just like running today, I could have chosen not to run up the hill, but if I hadn't I would never had made it back to my home. :) So, I guess what God taught me today is don't look ahead to the changes and challenges of life in fear and dread, because when we get to the bottom of the hill we will find we have the strength we need to make it to the top. And when we make it to the top of the hill in running, what a relief, what an awesome feeling to look down that hill and think....."I am glad that is over, but boy do I feel good for doing it." Paul was so smart(I am sure he would appreciate the compliment, huh? ;) ) to compare this life to a race. "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us RUN WITH ENDURANCE THE RACE THAT IS SET BEFORE US. Fixing our eyes on JESUS, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY set before HIM endured the cross despising shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1,2 .
Also, I learned that even if running up the hill means walking for a few minutes, it doesn't hinder the fact that you will still make it to the top, but it just might take a little while longer. Some things take a short amount of time and some things may take a longer amount of time, but through it all when you allow God to work, you will make it to the top and understand what James means when he says, " Consider it all joy my brethern, when you encounter various trials, kowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing." James 1:2,3.
Whatever it is that is causes us to be paralyzed from serving God with our whole heart due to fear of the unknown, remember that when time comes to deal with it, God will give us the strength to do so!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't He awesome?

This is an e-mail that one of my best friends sent me. I read it and it is really amazing and applies to many things in life. But right now I think it especially applies to what I am about to face. In my mind I see this really big Mountain: College! It's a big change and a huge step. I don't know if something is wrong with me or what. But every time I think about it the thoughts going through my head are not: I'm ready for this... Bring it on... Or... This is going to be the best time of my life I can't wait... My thoughts resemble something more along the lines of... Will I survive... How do I know this is right for me... Will I enjoy it or end up doing something I hate... Will people understand me there like my friends and family do here... Am I crazy I'm just a little girl barely five feet tall who likes kids books, playing with toys, drawing and being a kid... I can't pay taxes, juggle a job and school, plus social stuff... I can barely handle just one. My goals in life are to serve God, get married, be a stay at home mom. I don't know how the business world works. These are the thoughts going through my head when I think about college. I get scared, I'm worried. Will I be able to keep up my grades in order to keep up my scholarships? Only one person know's the answers to all these questions and what my heart wants to know. Am I going to be able to trust Him enough to get over this mountain... Or will I get desperately home sick and run home to mommy after the first term never to leave home again. I'm scared of growing up... sometimes I wonder if I can handle it all. But then I remember that I don't have to and that God will be there with me through it all. I know it will all happen so fast and I won't notice till years after it's happened but that doesn't make it any less scary. Part of all this deep thinking and fear is brought on by the fact that I will be 18 in about a month and then I'll get to vote. Part of me is excited but part of me thinks Am I really old enough? I don't know what I'm doing... Anyways I hope you enjoyed the e-mail and all my rambling. It really made me think. I think I'm going to go talk to God some instead of my Blog cause I'm sure you guys are tired of reading this by now. Thank you for sticking with me if you did. To let you in on a little secret for reading this far... I always cry when I get scared and think about the future. Which I think I'm going to go do know and get out of my system. I'm in need of a cleansing. Crying is a really healthy thing I believe. Well good night ya'll

this test was actually kind of funny. Just a side note: It rated me high for gluttony but i'm not fat at all and all I said was that I enjoy good food. Which is very true.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Extreme
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very High
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

hey what happened to my comments or is this just me, cause i can't view anybodies comments

I skipped work at the Horse camp today. I have closed at the Natures Table at the florida mall for the past three nights and close again today. 3 to close is a long shift especially when you live half an hour away. My parent are on there way to Korea. I haven't seen my sister for more than half and hour each day for the past four days. it really stinks. I think I'll take her to the movies tomorrow night. Any movie suggestions?

I really do like working at Natures Table(NT from now on) . It's a lot of work, a lot of washing of dishes, making sandwiches and preparing of food. Oh yeah and I'm on my feet the whole time. I do get a half hour break and can eat what ever I want there. And the people are really nice. The food is really good. It would be fun though if some of my friend came and visited me at work. If anyone is down at the Florida Mall stop by the food court. The other people I work with all live in the area and have friends/girlfriends/boyfriends stopping by all the time.

Ooo... I was walking around the other day and there is this really cool store in the mall. It is full of all kinds of writing stuff. Pens, journals, inks, sealing stuff. It's really cool. They even have this really neat glass pen. kind of like a guille pen that you dip in ink and then write with, except it's glass and has cool colours and designs on it. I really want one. I think I'll get one and then write letters to all of my friends. that's one thing I want when I go to college. I want a really cool stationary set, and to be able to write really pretty letters. I already have a calligraphy set and I really want to get better with it. I also want to learn to use my chinese calligraphy set and have a sealing wax set. I love writing letters. and getting them. And I like doing personal touches to them. I guess I'm just an romantic idealist but I wish letter writing and handwriting was still an art taught in school and I love the way letters and writing was done in the old days. I think a letter is so much more personal than an e-mail. don't get me wrong, e-mail is great for transmitting information quickly. But there is something simply satisfying and nastalgic about receiving a snail mall letter. I just wish I had a lot more time to learn these things and to write more often. which reminds me I have a couple of cards and letters to write. I hope you've enjoyed my ramblings.

Hey, I think I'm feeling a little more alive. but that may only be because it's morning. I always feel good in the morning. as the day progresses, especially by night, I feel more depressed or disgusted with my self. I don't know why, it's just who I am. Recently I've felt really disgusted about myself. I haven't been spending much time with my sister, partly because of work but then it's also my fault. I love her to death and I'm going to miss her a lot when I go off the college but I haven't been showing that love to her. And the stinky part is that she really needs me right now. My parents are about to leave for Korea for a week and a half and then they are here for a week and then they and my sister are off again to south carolina and Georgia to visit supporters and family and other things. So me and Laura are home alone for a while and then it will be just me. It seems like this summer is going by to fast and I'm not getting to spend time with my family and hang with them. I've been working at the horse camp every morning so that's kept me busy and I now have a job at the Florida mall so I'm gone in the afternoons too. I always feel terrible and left out and disconected when I don't spend time with my family.
I feel like crying. Laura just had a big thing happen in her life that she got in trouble for and i wasn't her to talk about it with her. I'm shure she would have confided in me but I wasn't her. And I promised her a while ago to take her to she a certain movie and now it's not in theatres any more. i also haven't writen my best friend in Paris in a while and I feel out of touch. I really do feel like a hermet and as much as I would like to be a monk It feels terrible to see things go one around you and not be involved. I love getting calls from friends and hanging with them and feeling special. But I never make the effert to call them so I don't blame anybody for my depression it's all my fault. but for some reason I don't do anything about it. My selfishness and selfdisgust is killing me but I don't know how to get out of it. I haven't spent time with God in a while and I miss it terribly. There is this ache inside to be with Him but I don't know how to fill it. I don't know what to do... do I pray, what about, do I write in my journal, what do I write, do I read my Bible, where do I start, do I do a devotional book, which one and will it help? And when do I spend time with Him, it seems Like it would take hours to have a fullfilling quite time and get everything off my chest that I want him to know and to really worship Him. Sometimes I don't like summers because my spiritual life goes dead along with my brain. And when that happens My heart goes dead to. Hense the fact that I turn into a hermit in the summer time.


Carry Me Through by LADS

Put your arms around, around this life of mine
And hold me for a while
I am trying to find a way to deal with this
But I don't know how

I can't stop this pain and I don't understand
What I'm supposed to do
Nothing seems the same, my world is falling down
How can I get through

Carry me through, carry me through this time
Now I need you, cause my world is falling down
Help me to find a way, to make it through another day
I need you here with me

On my knees again, I have broken down
The tears begin to fall
It feels like everything is slipping through my hands
And crashing to the floor

It seems i'm at the end
And I don't have the strength
To make it on my own
Put your arms around
Around this life of mine
And hold me for a while

Carry me through, carry me through this time
Now I need you, cause my world is falling down
Help me to find a way, to make it through another day
I need you here with me

Hey, yeah right now I'm just feeling a little emotionally and in other senses dead, so I'll probably write more when I'm more alive. For some reason everytime I get on here I know there is so much going on that I want to tell but I just don't know how or I think I'll do it later. So maybe later when I come out of my hole I'm digging. Right know a hermit's life sounds really good to me or maybe I'll take a vow of silience and become a monk. actually that doesn't sound to bad. They have a pretty nice life, they get to serve God all the time, nothing is complicated for them. I think I'll become a monk. but I'm already dead, so that doesn't work. Maybe I'll write more when I feel like speaking from the grave. Later...

Yeah I'm so happy I got the comments working so now people can respond to what I write. this is so cool. I also added some links on the side to all of my friends sites. I hope to add more links when I find more sites...hehe...I just got back from eating supper to find my screensaver on and it put a smile on my face. I am often amused or put into a better mood by small things that I find amusing but other people might not. Sometimes I give a little giggle and people look at me like "what's so funny" but I don't care. My screen saver slowly flips through different beach and water scene's with bright blue skies and crystal clear water like in the caribian or something. It's so peaceful and pretty. Anyways that's my screensaver that made me smile when I came back to my site to finish this post. I think I'm finished now cause I can't think of anything else to say. Oh I taped Moulin Rouge on tv the other night so I can watch it any time I want yeah...

Ok I'm trying to get the comments working does it work?

Hey there. I just went shopping and got two new CD's that I wanted. I normally don't go out and buy things spontaniously. ussually it has to be something I really need to get me to go out and buy it.. but I had some money and I wanted these CD's. i got Josh Groban's CD.... he has an amazing voice and I love that type of music it puts me in a magical day dreamy kind of mood... I have Charlotte Church's CD as well and they sang a song together that is also on Josh's CD called The prayer. They other CD that I got was the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge, I just recently saw the movie and loved it, especially the music again my type of music. Classic, yet powerful songs that kinda give you a sad yet happy feeling inside... it was kind of funny because after I saw the movie I didn't want to do anything. I felt happy and like I couldn't stop smiling yet I also felt sadly depressed and like crying at the same time. I love movie's that can do that to me... that's called a really good movie... It kept my attention and had such a passionate story to tell. I think I'm in love now... but that's okay because I'm allowed to day dream and have hopes aren't I... I believe everyone has the right to dream and it doesn't matter if it's not practical. anyway's that's enough about the two new CD's I got i'll write later...

Listening to Josh Groban self titled CD (my new one)(I'll listen to the other one later)

Jack....Who's Jack you may ask, well you all know.... He's the perfect dream guy who one day will become reality. He may have changed a little from now until then but he will still be the perfect guy... and his name may change but that's ok because he's still the same perfect guy that God has waiting out there for us somewhere and he will bring into our lives when the time is right. I think that is so encouraging... Now to tell about my Jack....
Jack is from South Africa and he has an Afrikaans/British accent and he's kind of a rugged but still clean cut gentleman. He has deep enveloping green eyes and dirty blonde hair. He's strong and broad across the shoulders, with built muscles. He's anywhere from 5' 10" to 6' 0". He'll be able to pick me up and sweep me into his arms and make me feel safe and secure. He will enjoy many things like: horseback riding and swimming and playing different sports. He'll also like music and play the piano as well as the guitar and sing. He'll like both cats and dogs and fish. He'll aprecciate fine cooking and good wine and love to be romantic aswell as real. he'll have big strong hands that are very gentle and he'll know just what people need and how to help them. He'll be a good listener and know how to make you feel comfortable. He'll also enjoy reading and just being able to sit in silience in each others company. But he'll know when to be social and crazy aswell. And he'll never hold me back. I know this is a really tall order for my dream guy and I could go on for pages talking about what I want him to be like. But it's dreaming so I can make him anything I want to... and if I keep dreaming and giving it to God and praying for my Jack,.. someday I'll have him and he will be ten times better than my dreams...I can't wait....maybe I'll meet him in College.... I'll just keep dreaming...He'll be real someday!!!!
oh yah, I start work at the Horse Camp bright and early tomorrow...no more sleeping in..

hey this is my new blog site. it's going to be a work in progress for a while cause I'm about to hit the beach for the week and wont be near a computer to work on it. But hopefully it will be a good one and I'll remember to write in it often....hehe....anyway write more later.