Lil Sis Big Sis

It's little sis big sis week here on campus. Since Converse doesn't have any sororities the have this Sister program instead. And the good thing it that everybody is involved and it establishes a sisterhood of sorts. The odd year classes are Red Devils and the even year Classes are Pink Panthers. So the juniors are out big sister class. It's alot of fun. there is this whole week of big sis/ lil sis fun. We don't know who our big sister is, but we get deliveries of tons of stuff from them through out the week and we have a bunch of mixers. Since there is more freshman than Juniors some of them have more than one lil sis. So we may have a twin or triplet out there. It's a whole lot of fun and guess what? it started yesterday night.
We got our first delivery of stuff from out big sis last night. They get there friends or other people to do all the running for them so we won't find out who they are. And it was so exciting to come back from work last night to find a tub full of stuff in my room. and my roommate Sarah is my twin. I got all kinds of stuff. I got my devil tail, and horns and a pitch fork and a big red pillow and a little teddy bear and a bunch of other stuff, all of it red. And supposedly this isn't all that we are going to get. We are also supposed to wear our tails and horns around all week. It's just a lot of fun and makes college a little bit cooler. I can't wait to find out who my big sis is. Everybody else seems to know except us. lol

Well on a less exciting note, school work seems to be getting harder. And I'm not sure if I can keep up with this new form of studying and doing work. The teachers don't seem to set specific outlines for stuff and they also don't remind us of things, we just some how have to know. Any ways, I going to go try to figure out what I need to do to not fail my tests tomorrow. hopefully I'll update more often, a lot has been going on, but I don't seem to have much time.

Hey, well on a less depressing note, I ended up going and switching out of the 2-D design class and am instead taking General Psychology. which should be fun. I've always wanted to take a psychology class, and it counts toward my GEP requirements. On top of that it is on tuesdays and thursdays which makes my schedule so much more balanced. It has been a pretty good Saturday so far. last night I watched a movie with some of the other girls and this morning I woke up at 9. which is actually really good for me. It is amazing how ghostly these halls become on the weekends, everybody seems to go home or other places. My roommate left at like 7 this morning to go with the volleyball team to Tennessee for a game and she's supposed to get back tonight. So I've really had the room to myself and it has been a little too quiet at times. I really need to work on my studies, seeing as how I did nothing yesterday and have not done much today.

I had my first day of work in the library today and it was really boring, it was pretty dead the whole time. the people I worked with though seemed pretty nice. Patricia, she's a graduate student and she's from Romania, she seems really nice and very passionate about things as well. I work again tomorrow as well. ye ha!

Drowning Already

I feel I'm drowning, I have just jumped into a huge lake and swam out a ways but am unable to swim back in, and I am just a little to far out for thoughs on shore to hear my screams. The water is so cold and my body begins to shiver, I lift my voice up to the sky, the only one who hears me is God. I'm screaming for help. I no longer know my way back home. I long for someone to point me in the right direction. to reach down a hand and pull me up. to rescue me from the dread of my own thoughts. As I slowly get colder I am unable to stay afloat. My limbs begin to cramp. And soon all that's left is the echo's of my fading cries. Beautifal yet depressing.
I don't know quite how to decribe my mood and feelings right now. I just know that I am completely confused and unsure of myself and my ability to do anything right now. I am also having serious doubts about my earlier decisions and what I thought I wanted to do. And the worst part is that I don't know who to turn to to talk about what's going on in my mind. I think I really just need someone to listen and tell me its okay. And maybe point me in the right direction. I'm already worried about what to take next semester and what I'll do in my other years. I know this is not going to do me any good. I know I said I wanted to do interior design but is it really okay to back out and say that I really don't know what I want to do and that I really don't want to have to worry about that right now. I've already started taking some of the classes that go toward that major and I'm already really scared. One of them can go toward my gep requirements. I'm interested in interior design but part of me doesn't really want to do it. I kind of want to do something in like physic's or in education. The pamphlet that I read for my honours literature class really made me think yesterday about what I want to do. Now I have always really enjoyed science and math. Especially physics and chemistry. And for a long time I wanted to do something in engineering. I don't really know why I decided I wasn't going to do it. I wonder now if it wasn't because I was scared that it wasn't something I should do, but my friend rachel is doing engineering, so why cann't I. At the time I made the excuse that I wasn't interested in it anymore. but I kind of still am. I like art don't get me wrong. i really enjoy art and would like to learn to draw and maybe paint. but I think what I'm looking for as far as that is concerned is a learning environment where I can be taught it and it really doesn't matter how good I end up being at it. I would also like to take a class in photography and maybe jewelry making. But does this interest in wanting to say learn how to design a room and learn some architecture really hold enough talent and dedication for me to major in it and work in that area. Or is it merely an interest that goes no further than wanting to expand my horizons and try something new and without the expectations to do anything more with it. Do I want to do it merely to add it to the list of hobbies and things that I've tried. Say, the same as being able to say I've been snowboarding or that I enjoy doing leisurely swimming as an exercise. But not like saying I'm a proffessional snowboarder or that I'm on the Olympic swim team. I hope I'm making sense. I really am just trying to figure this out for myself. Trying to determine what I really want out of my college experience. Do I want to walk away saying i majored in this and didn't do anything else. I am slightly saddened my the fact that I have exempted math and only have to take one science and that I won't have space in my sceduale to take any more. I really enjoy these areas, yet this is what I'm not doing. I guess I'm so worried about what I'm going to do after college, and also that I have to be able to tell people what I'm doing that I've forgotten about the right now. I would really like to be able to talk to my advisor about this, but I don't really know her that well and I always have trouble expressing myself verbally and always seem to walk away feeling very inadiquite. Some times I wish that people could just look into my mind and know exactly what I'm feeling and what I mean. Again it brings me back to that feeling of drowning and being alone.
I know that God is going to help me through this and that I don't have to worry about what other people think of me if I change my mind. But I'm so scared to, because I want to do the right thing and what God wants, but I don't know what God wants. Yes, I love to paint rooms and decorate and organize and clean. And I do like to arrange furniture. But I honestly think I'd make a better science teacher or elementary teach. I also know that what ever classes I take in college are going to be harder and demand more of me than those I took in highschool. Wether they are art classes or math. I also know that I have only been to my classes for one day now. I like my German class and am excited about that one. And my honours lit sounds challenging but fun. It kind of deals with Science and literature which I like. the other two I'm just praying I pass. I know this is extremely long but I was in need of getting it all writen out and I forgive you if you fell asleep in the middle of it. :-) Maybe I should just go around saying I'm undecided right know.

Schools going okay, I'm am now finally off at college. I actually have several things that I should be doing this morning. Classes start today and I don't know how I feel. I'm a little nervous about them. I only have one today though. my other three are on Mon, Wed , and Frid's . I'm only taking 12 credits this semester which should help to make the transistion easier. I also have Work study for ten hours a week and will be working in the Library. I'm happy about that but I have to work on Saturdays. oh well. I've meet several others who are Christians on my floor and I hope to get closer to them. Sarah my roommate is really cool. I've actually enjoyed myself during Orientation. And the food in the dining hall isn't that bad. there's not to much to do in the way of fun but I'm sure that I will discover stuff to do. I just can't wait to be on a regular sceduale again.

Every time I read my friends blogs or think of them and my family I get a little teary eyed. It's going to be hard giving up thoughs things and dealing with the change. When every I meet people I hope that I will find them to be just like my friends, but they're not, they are different, they are their own person. I'm just always weary of the unfamiliar. God is all I have left. And I realize this more and more as I go through each day. That he is going to be the one to get me through it and to grow me as a person as I go through these changes. just as I relied on Him in highschool I am going to have to rely on Him even more now. I just pray that I will always be in His hands and that I won't take my life into my own. I have also begun the search for a church to go to. From the looks of it right now it's going to take me a little while.

I'm home, Just got back on Wed. from Africa, and let me tell you it was a great trip. I had so much fun and it brought back so many memories. I kept a journal of what we did and stuff so I will never forget. I was there for two weeks, but it seemed to short. we were very busy going all over the place. it was kind of like a pilgramage going around visiting all the places I remember. I even got to see the old house that we used to live in. This experience has brought about many different feelings that I think will take me awhile to process. right now though I'm getting ready to head off to college in five days. and I can't wait. well I have a lot to do today so I'll write more later but just wanted to let you know that I'm back.

3 days till I turn 18!!! yippie
7 days till I leave for Africa for two weeks with my dad.
22 days till I get back from Africa
29 days till I leave for College.
that leaves 12 days to actually get ready and pack for college.

My time here is swiftly coming to an end. I will soon no longer be a minor. I will soon get to visit my birth place and see old friends. And i will soon head of to life with out my parents and friends around. A life of independance and lonelyness. The summer is almost over and time to head back to school. But this time things will be different.

update on Summer Serve coming soon.

I want to be a little girl again, playing dress up With lacy white dresses, small kid gloves, little white purses, parasels, and stuffed animals. All dressed up with mom's makeup, sitting at a small table covered with a tea set and sitting across from my favorite teddy bear.

I am feeling strangely, sorta, deeply satasfied today, unlike yesterday. I actually got stuff done around the house like cleaning my bathroom and straightening up in preperation for the British family that will be staying in our house. My mom had been asking me to do this for over a week now. They get here tomorrow afternoon when I'm at work but I still have a few things to get done. I also managed to do two loads of laundry and now have clothes for work tomorrow and this weekend. I don't work Friday but I do work sat and sunday. I also finished reading The Secret Garden today. I have been slowly working through it, savoring it these past few weeks. I really enjoy the book, this is my second time reading it and highly recomend it to anyone looking for an easy yet uplifting and satisfying read. I must say it kept me in good spirites today which I desperately needed after yesterday. I also was able to rent the Recruit and watched that while I ate lunch. very good movie. I think I'll have to watch it again on Friday before I turn it in. I then at about 7:15 pm. went up to Barnie's Coffee and got two drinks(happy hours are great things) and sat and read for two hours, making great progress in my summer reading book, Yes I Jessica have summer reading for College, It is a really good book so far, The Road From Coorain, by Jill Ker Conway, and I am actually enjoying, but haven't read much of it until now because I wanted to finish The Sercret Garden first. It is a very discriptive memoir of Jill's life as she grew up on an Austrailian sheep farm. I love the way it is written and it makes me think of my childhood in Lesotho. This reading and sense of getting things down is what has given me a deep sense of satisfaction today. All though I don't know how long it will last.
I leave on Monday to go up to Atlanta and then Spartanburg and then North Carolina to visit my best friend who is here for the summer with her family from Paris, I got to go to Spain and stay with her for two weeks last year and the year before that she was at CSU and we got to hang out for a week. And she'll be back next summer cause she'll be starting College then. I am so excited, because we grew up in Africa together and are best friends but we have never gotten to see each other for very long. we've never lived in the same place. After visiting her I will be at Converse for this Summer Serve thing and get to meet several of my fellow class mates and have a lot of fun at the college. it's just for a couple of days but I am so excited. It means that college is getting closer. My time here at home in Florida is speedly drawing to a close. This excites me in some ways because it means that I'm about to start a new journey, but it also scaries me to death because I don't know if I can survive or not, all I know is that I have to try and I have to rely on God. We'll see when it happens.

What... is it time already?


I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted... wow time flies. I am now a little depressed... I have just been reading my friends blogs, and seeing the days that they leave for college and I realize that I will probably not see some of them before they go off to school because of our wacky sceduales. It saddens me deep down to know that I am lossing so many things that have meant so much to me over the past years and that I have almost taken for granted. I am now home alone, my parents and sister are up at my grandparents in Spartenburg where I will be going to school for the next four years. This has given me a lot of time to think in an empty huge house. Every time I look at my cats it know reminds me of the fact that they wont be going to school with me. I will never again wake up with Tipsy sleeping on my bed and keeping me from rolling over or else I'll squash her. I will no longer be able to just walk to the next room or yell across the house at my parents when I don't understand something or want to talk. My family is the only one that gets to hear me really talk. Ask any of them and when I am in the mood I think I talk their heads off with useless stuff, about how my day went or things that happened. no one else hears these things. i'm normally a mute is public. who is going to be there to listen to me rant and chatter when I go away. I know I talk about probably very boring things to every body else but they mean a lot to me and my family cares about that.. I am very much a home body but yet here I am going 600 miles away to college. I wanted to go away for school... sometimes I don't understand myself...
Church was amazing yesterday, It also made me long deeply for biblestudy again and my friends to talk with... The paster wasn't there and since everybody is gone for the summer I think there was a total of 20 something of us. we meet at the drive in church instead of Oddessy. it was very informal, we had some worship and then spent the rest of the time praying and sharing. it was really good, and everybody got really honest at the end. I love my church but have often felt scared to share what was really going on inside of me with the people there. but it really opened my eyes up to how much I need to look deep inside me and just rely on God. All I could think about was how much I wanted some more Michelle time before I went off to school. Part of me wants to cry deeply because I think I will never see these people again. But I know or atleast I keep telling my self that I will see them again and that we will keep in touch.
I have this strang mentallity that going off to school in Sept. means completely closing the chapter on what my life has been like here in florida... it means completely leaving everything behind and starting all over again. I feel sometimes that I can't bring my friends and mentors with me, I know I can't but I don't want to lose them. I feel at a lose that everything I've known is slipping away and I can't hold on. .. it hurts and I cry... I'm supposed to be happy and excited for school. And I am don't getting me wrong, it just also brings with it a since of pain and loss. I don't quite know how to express what I feel inside so I won't try cause I'll just end up writing myself in circles. and I hate that. Just know that depression is not fun, and I seem to have to deal with it a lot. I don't think I've told any one this, my family doesn't even know is. They just know that when I do talk a lot to them it's a good thing. but I suffer from depression a lot, or atleast depression is what I call it. I don't really understand it and I don't know if I can explain it and I don't know what to do about it or how to stop it, it just happens. I'm kind of in one of those moods right now.
I get very antisocial when I'm depressed and I hate it.
what i think brings on my depression: a feeling of being left out. lack of sleep or tiredness. other reasons beyond my knowledge. Okay enough depressing talk.
On a different note concerning the blog before this one, Orlando Bloom is really hot as a pirate, but in Lord of the Rings, he was not the one I swooned over, it was Aragorn. tall dark and handsome, and hopelessly loyal and rustic.
At work on Friday there was a huge storm with lots of lightening and thunder. At the Florida mall the rain was coming down in sheets and I was so scared. I didn't have an umbrella so I wore a trash bag over me. My car was parked all the way in the back. it took me the better part of five minutes or so to get up the courage to run like mad through all the rain and huge puddles to get to my car. all the while praying frantically that I wouldn't get struck by lightening. And wishing I could call a friend or guy to just talk and calm me down. I don't know why it freaked me out so much but it did. Maybe it was the fact that i didn't have anyone at home to call to tell I had gotten off work, and no one was there to help me, or go with me to my car. I finally mad it to the car, but I cried speratically the whole way home and when I got home all I could do was cry and stay curled up on my couch wishing I could talk to someone, be with someone, and listen to the storm raging out side with security. I normally like storms and love to listen to them. But not this time. it freaked me out. Another thing that freaked me out was that I had left my new computer on when I went to work and all I could do was pray that it still worked when I got home and that my house hadn't been struck by lightening. You may think this is silly to think that my house would be struck but it's not. My house has a record. it's been struck twice before and the last time was last year, so it was due for another strick. Everythings okay though.
Just thought I'd share that, I needed to write it out. If you read this far I aplaud you. I'm sorry it's so long, it's just been a while and I find i have a lot going on and a lot to talk about since there is no one here at home to talk to. I must go take care of a list of things before Katie comes over for supper though. so I'll write more later.

hey my friend laura had this test up on her site and I took it, I love the picture, I think i might swoon....aaaahhhh...lol


You're destined to be with Will Turner! Ooh,
Loving & sweet kisses!


On Pirates of the Caribbean, is your mate Will or Jack?
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