What... is it time already?


I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted... wow time flies. I am now a little depressed... I have just been reading my friends blogs, and seeing the days that they leave for college and I realize that I will probably not see some of them before they go off to school because of our wacky sceduales. It saddens me deep down to know that I am lossing so many things that have meant so much to me over the past years and that I have almost taken for granted. I am now home alone, my parents and sister are up at my grandparents in Spartenburg where I will be going to school for the next four years. This has given me a lot of time to think in an empty huge house. Every time I look at my cats it know reminds me of the fact that they wont be going to school with me. I will never again wake up with Tipsy sleeping on my bed and keeping me from rolling over or else I'll squash her. I will no longer be able to just walk to the next room or yell across the house at my parents when I don't understand something or want to talk. My family is the only one that gets to hear me really talk. Ask any of them and when I am in the mood I think I talk their heads off with useless stuff, about how my day went or things that happened. no one else hears these things. i'm normally a mute is public. who is going to be there to listen to me rant and chatter when I go away. I know I talk about probably very boring things to every body else but they mean a lot to me and my family cares about that.. I am very much a home body but yet here I am going 600 miles away to college. I wanted to go away for school... sometimes I don't understand myself...
Church was amazing yesterday, It also made me long deeply for biblestudy again and my friends to talk with... The paster wasn't there and since everybody is gone for the summer I think there was a total of 20 something of us. we meet at the drive in church instead of Oddessy. it was very informal, we had some worship and then spent the rest of the time praying and sharing. it was really good, and everybody got really honest at the end. I love my church but have often felt scared to share what was really going on inside of me with the people there. but it really opened my eyes up to how much I need to look deep inside me and just rely on God. All I could think about was how much I wanted some more Michelle time before I went off to school. Part of me wants to cry deeply because I think I will never see these people again. But I know or atleast I keep telling my self that I will see them again and that we will keep in touch.
I have this strang mentallity that going off to school in Sept. means completely closing the chapter on what my life has been like here in florida... it means completely leaving everything behind and starting all over again. I feel sometimes that I can't bring my friends and mentors with me, I know I can't but I don't want to lose them. I feel at a lose that everything I've known is slipping away and I can't hold on. .. it hurts and I cry... I'm supposed to be happy and excited for school. And I am don't getting me wrong, it just also brings with it a since of pain and loss. I don't quite know how to express what I feel inside so I won't try cause I'll just end up writing myself in circles. and I hate that. Just know that depression is not fun, and I seem to have to deal with it a lot. I don't think I've told any one this, my family doesn't even know is. They just know that when I do talk a lot to them it's a good thing. but I suffer from depression a lot, or atleast depression is what I call it. I don't really understand it and I don't know if I can explain it and I don't know what to do about it or how to stop it, it just happens. I'm kind of in one of those moods right now.
I get very antisocial when I'm depressed and I hate it.
what i think brings on my depression: a feeling of being left out. lack of sleep or tiredness. other reasons beyond my knowledge. Okay enough depressing talk.
On a different note concerning the blog before this one, Orlando Bloom is really hot as a pirate, but in Lord of the Rings, he was not the one I swooned over, it was Aragorn. tall dark and handsome, and hopelessly loyal and rustic.
At work on Friday there was a huge storm with lots of lightening and thunder. At the Florida mall the rain was coming down in sheets and I was so scared. I didn't have an umbrella so I wore a trash bag over me. My car was parked all the way in the back. it took me the better part of five minutes or so to get up the courage to run like mad through all the rain and huge puddles to get to my car. all the while praying frantically that I wouldn't get struck by lightening. And wishing I could call a friend or guy to just talk and calm me down. I don't know why it freaked me out so much but it did. Maybe it was the fact that i didn't have anyone at home to call to tell I had gotten off work, and no one was there to help me, or go with me to my car. I finally mad it to the car, but I cried speratically the whole way home and when I got home all I could do was cry and stay curled up on my couch wishing I could talk to someone, be with someone, and listen to the storm raging out side with security. I normally like storms and love to listen to them. But not this time. it freaked me out. Another thing that freaked me out was that I had left my new computer on when I went to work and all I could do was pray that it still worked when I got home and that my house hadn't been struck by lightening. You may think this is silly to think that my house would be struck but it's not. My house has a record. it's been struck twice before and the last time was last year, so it was due for another strick. Everythings okay though.
Just thought I'd share that, I needed to write it out. If you read this far I aplaud you. I'm sorry it's so long, it's just been a while and I find i have a lot going on and a lot to talk about since there is no one here at home to talk to. I must go take care of a list of things before Katie comes over for supper though. so I'll write more later.