Drowning Already

I feel I'm drowning, I have just jumped into a huge lake and swam out a ways but am unable to swim back in, and I am just a little to far out for thoughs on shore to hear my screams. The water is so cold and my body begins to shiver, I lift my voice up to the sky, the only one who hears me is God. I'm screaming for help. I no longer know my way back home. I long for someone to point me in the right direction. to reach down a hand and pull me up. to rescue me from the dread of my own thoughts. As I slowly get colder I am unable to stay afloat. My limbs begin to cramp. And soon all that's left is the echo's of my fading cries. Beautifal yet depressing.
I don't know quite how to decribe my mood and feelings right now. I just know that I am completely confused and unsure of myself and my ability to do anything right now. I am also having serious doubts about my earlier decisions and what I thought I wanted to do. And the worst part is that I don't know who to turn to to talk about what's going on in my mind. I think I really just need someone to listen and tell me its okay. And maybe point me in the right direction. I'm already worried about what to take next semester and what I'll do in my other years. I know this is not going to do me any good. I know I said I wanted to do interior design but is it really okay to back out and say that I really don't know what I want to do and that I really don't want to have to worry about that right now. I've already started taking some of the classes that go toward that major and I'm already really scared. One of them can go toward my gep requirements. I'm interested in interior design but part of me doesn't really want to do it. I kind of want to do something in like physic's or in education. The pamphlet that I read for my honours literature class really made me think yesterday about what I want to do. Now I have always really enjoyed science and math. Especially physics and chemistry. And for a long time I wanted to do something in engineering. I don't really know why I decided I wasn't going to do it. I wonder now if it wasn't because I was scared that it wasn't something I should do, but my friend rachel is doing engineering, so why cann't I. At the time I made the excuse that I wasn't interested in it anymore. but I kind of still am. I like art don't get me wrong. i really enjoy art and would like to learn to draw and maybe paint. but I think what I'm looking for as far as that is concerned is a learning environment where I can be taught it and it really doesn't matter how good I end up being at it. I would also like to take a class in photography and maybe jewelry making. But does this interest in wanting to say learn how to design a room and learn some architecture really hold enough talent and dedication for me to major in it and work in that area. Or is it merely an interest that goes no further than wanting to expand my horizons and try something new and without the expectations to do anything more with it. Do I want to do it merely to add it to the list of hobbies and things that I've tried. Say, the same as being able to say I've been snowboarding or that I enjoy doing leisurely swimming as an exercise. But not like saying I'm a proffessional snowboarder or that I'm on the Olympic swim team. I hope I'm making sense. I really am just trying to figure this out for myself. Trying to determine what I really want out of my college experience. Do I want to walk away saying i majored in this and didn't do anything else. I am slightly saddened my the fact that I have exempted math and only have to take one science and that I won't have space in my sceduale to take any more. I really enjoy these areas, yet this is what I'm not doing. I guess I'm so worried about what I'm going to do after college, and also that I have to be able to tell people what I'm doing that I've forgotten about the right now. I would really like to be able to talk to my advisor about this, but I don't really know her that well and I always have trouble expressing myself verbally and always seem to walk away feeling very inadiquite. Some times I wish that people could just look into my mind and know exactly what I'm feeling and what I mean. Again it brings me back to that feeling of drowning and being alone.
I know that God is going to help me through this and that I don't have to worry about what other people think of me if I change my mind. But I'm so scared to, because I want to do the right thing and what God wants, but I don't know what God wants. Yes, I love to paint rooms and decorate and organize and clean. And I do like to arrange furniture. But I honestly think I'd make a better science teacher or elementary teach. I also know that what ever classes I take in college are going to be harder and demand more of me than those I took in highschool. Wether they are art classes or math. I also know that I have only been to my classes for one day now. I like my German class and am excited about that one. And my honours lit sounds challenging but fun. It kind of deals with Science and literature which I like. the other two I'm just praying I pass. I know this is extremely long but I was in need of getting it all writen out and I forgive you if you fell asleep in the middle of it. :-) Maybe I should just go around saying I'm undecided right know.