Snow Day... Again.

The weather hasn't improved much and all the ice that we had yesterday hasn't melted. So guess what... I'm stuck in my room with no school and not much else to do... again!!
I like this term because of the lack schedule and spare time, but frankly I don't know what to do with all this time and no pressure and stress to distract me. I have been stuck in the dorm for the entire weekend. And yes I've gone to the store, but that is the extent of my travels off campus. There is no place to go to just hangout with friends and have a deep conversation... there is no one to have a deep conversation with and to listen to me and me to listen to them. No guys to have fun with and nothing to do but watch TV and Movies. And I think I'm tired of doing that. I think I have seen more movies this term than I have in my entire life!!! I love movies, but sometimes they just put you in a depressing mood!!
I say I'm bored, but I know that there is lots of stuff that I could do. Lots of things that require a little more thought and maybe thoughts about things I don't want to think about right now. But stuff that I know that I have to take a look at soon or later, so why not now.. Well in some ways I'm a little scared to confront or think about thinks because I know that they require a response, an action, a change must take place or they will come up again. I have been reading through one of my old journals, it doesn't have but a few sporadic entries from many years ago, before I really started to journal, before I really started to walk with the Lord!! But it is just amazing to read some of the things in it. Some of the same stuff that I talked about then is still very relevant today. It is amazing to be reminded of the lessons that I learned so long ago, and have now become a big part of my life. I'm sorry that this is all so vague it's just that I haven't really thought through it much yet. There is no real situation that I am referring to, no real problem of sorts. Just stuff that has to be dealt with, between me and God. Last semester I could feel a big weight on my heart and I still feel it there now.
God is just going to have to keep working on me and reveal to me what he has for me and what he wants me to do.
Anyways, I'm a little depressed right now and all I want to do is go home, where I can be with my friends and hug them again, where I can be with my family and they can help me with stuff. I like being on my own, but it gets very lonely sometimes. I am an introvert and so I don't like too much interaction with people but I do need some and I like that to be in the quiet kind of way. Around here everything seems to go in a blur. Everybody is loud and crazy and I don't know how to deal with it.

Here it is:
I don't know who different actors are, I can't remember movie names, I don't really know who played what.
I don't know all these different singers names and the songs they sing or what the words are to them.
I don't know about all these popular books or items.
I don't know who's boyfriend did what and what's going on in our culture today.
I don't know about all this political stuff that's going on, I don't keep up with it all.
I don't know what's happening with all the sports teams.
And you know what, I DON"T CARE about all this stuff. I hate it when people ask me about something and when I say I don't know, they make it out to be a crime that I don't or that I'm nobody because I'm not up on what's going on in the world. I hate it when I do begin to care about these things. I have never been able to enter into conversations with friends about all these different things. They are so superficial to me. I grew up with out them and I don't see why I can't survive the rest of my life with out this junk either. Yes, I do think that the political stuff is important. But I also think its more important to know what you believe and not what the world or some politician believes. I will sit down and watch TV shows or movies that I like, and there have been a few that I really liked watching and try to keep up with. But it is not the end of the world if I miss an episode or don't see it for a while. I hate all these night time soap operas that are meant to entertain us, but really all they do is pervert us. There is so much Sex, Drugs, Divorce, and Scandal in the stuff that we watch, listen to, and idolize that politicians and people wonder why we have so much of these things in our lives and schools and marriages today!! I'm not here to preach and say that I know the answer to it all. I'm not saying that even I don't watch these things from time to time. But I hate it when people make TV and Music and Movies seem so important. And if anyone yells at me one more time for not having seen A Walk To Remember or for not having read the book I Am going to SCREAM!!! Yes it may be a good story, but get on with your lives people it's just a movie, it's not real!!! My roommate has an obsession with this thing and every time someone mentions it, in this obnoxious way she starts saying how great it is and then brings up that I haven't seen it!! Urrrgh... stop bring me up when you talk about things!@!!! Okay, I need to calm down. I think I'm going to watch it with her just to get her to shut up about it. I almost want to never see it just to spite her... but if I watch it I can give her a more informed opinion of it. And then truly say I don't like it! It's not the greatest thing since sliced bread, Jesus Christ is the greatest thing since before sliced bread!!!
I'm just going to shut up now. I hate ranting and raving, but sometimes it's the only way to think and get out what you feel.

On a lighter note, outside still looks beautiful, all white and stuff. And I had a great time sledding with a bunch of friends yesterday. Anyways I'm going to go not cry because my roommate is in the room and I'm going to talk to God, the only one around here who can listen to me.

Sorry again for it being so rambly and junk.

SNOW DAY!!

It's the first snow day of the year and it's not even really snow. We had an Ice storm last night and the ground is covered in it. It kinda looks like snow though, all white and stuff. AND the best part is that classes are canceled for the day. So guess what I'm going to go do. I'm going to see how many people I can round up and then head outside in the bitter cold and play in it. Maybe even do some sleding down back campus!! This is kind of fun. Well, I'll let you now more about my snow day. Right now I need to go get dressed. It would be kindof stupid to go running out there in my PJ's!!

Okay this is going to sound really cheesy but I was looking at my friend Laura's site and she had a bunch of quiz's posted that she had taken. And I think that she is so cool and so much fun so I went and took some of the quizes so here are the results. Laura Lou I love ya girl!!



You are Ephesians.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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Aragorn
Please rate my quiz I worked hard for it thanks


Which Lord of the Rings person do you want? (many out comes for anyone plus pics to)
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Take my quiz that I made!!
Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

DREAM HOME

I have added some new CD's to my collection recently and am greatly enjoying listening to them.
Jars of Clay's new one who are we instead

Enya Paint the Sky with Stars

and the soundtrack to The Lord of the Rings, The Return of The King.

All very good CD's, and a friend is going to let me burn their other Enya CD and another friend is going to let me burn the Norah Jones CD. I am very excited about these new additions. I still have a long wish list of music that I would someday like to own and pull out whenever I am in the mood to listen to it. Recently I have been looking at a site that has house plans. and might I say, gorgeous house plans. As stupid as this may sound that is something that I really enjoy, looking at dream homes. I have added this site to my favorites so you need to check it out. There are many things that I want when I get older, many dreams that I have.

What I want in my Dream house:
A large foyer with a dinning room and a living room/parlor off of it.
A large Kitchen with a window looking out on to a vegetable garden, and a large stove and double oven. An island in the middle and a bar with stools. A place to do lots of cooking. An a large pantry, and a butler's pantry leading to the dinning room.
A large grand stair case off of the entrance leading upstair with a banaster that you can slide down.
A large family room with a big hearth for all to enjoy.
As many bay windows and balcony's as you can get on a house.
A breakfast nook off of the kitchen with half of the seating being a window seat, and a bay window.
A piano niche off of the living room.
All french doors leading into every room.
A large laundry room, and storage room.
A garage with a work area/room.
A master bedroom with a seperate seating area and a large bathroom and whirlpool tub and two large walk in closets for Him and Her.
A home theatre room.
A game room filled with a pool table, ping-pong table and other game tables.
An excersise room.
A pool out back.
Lots of bedrooms for lots of kids and guests, each with a walk-in-closet and their own bathroom.
An apartment above the Garage.
A large long porch out back, covered, a place to enjoy nature.
Extended Gardens to spend the evenings walking through, full of paths and ponds and flowers, and mazes. A place to loose yourself in.
And most importantly, #1 on my list. A Library, two stories, with wall to wall and ceiling to floor shelves of old leather bound books, all the classics and new ones. A place to go and relax. Like the one in My fair Lady, with the second story, and a spiral staircase to get to the top. A large Mahogany desk and large stuffed leather chairs for sitting in. A private library that can only be gotten to through the master bedroom or a hidden door!! With one window seat looking out into the gardens.

This is my dream house as I see it in my mind. I know that I will never have this here on earth, my heart is set on serving Him here. But in heaven my dreams will come true, in the New Jeruselum this is where I will live. And my house will be filled with the love and laughter of friends and family and the singing of Angels shall be on the air at all times. Knowing that I can't have this now makes me long for it all the more. It gives me hope. The Father knows all my desires and dreams and he will bring them about. God has been teaching me many lessons about storing up my treasure in heaven, and that's what I want to do. But till I get there, I'm never going to stop dreaming.
By the way i have like a huge folder at home that is full of all kinds of house plans that me and my mom have cut out of Southern Living. She started when she was younger and now I'm doing it. I love it. And I don't care if you think that's wierd!!!

Can I last

Christmas has come and gone and so has New Year's. The joy of spending time with my family and having nothing to do is over. Work and school have begun again. Thankfully this is going to be a light term academic wise. But who knows but God what it will be like spiritually and emotionally. I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders and on my heart that I have been carrying for a while and that has slowely grown. The holidays served as a time to mostly forget about it and not deal with it. By the end of last semester I could think of nothing else but getting away from it all, it was to depressing and convicting to deal with it. Even now, when I know that the only way to lift the burden that I feel is to face it and deal with it, me and God, I still don't want to look at it.

I don't want to think about what is going on in my heart and life because that means changing or doing something that will be hard. But at the same time I know deep down that this would actually be the better thing and that it will not be me alone who goes through it but that God is there to carry me through all the muck that I have to wade through to get to the next stepping stone in life. My heart feels heavy and I know some of the reasons why, but I don't really want to find out because it always means wrestling with God.

At the end of last semester my walk with God was nill to zilch, I hadn't picked up my Bible often and hadn't really spoken to him in a while, except of course to ask him to help me with my finals. I longed to have a better walk, to stop the ups and downs and walk a steady course. But I was almost ashamed, not knowing where to start. I long deeply to be a godly woman and to be pure and blameless before Him and the world. I long to be His servent, and to do his will, I want my life to reflect His glory. I long to understand and be filled with his wisdom like the book of Proverbs talks about. I long to know what his word says.

But when ever I look at what that means I don't know where to start, I become discouraged because it doesn't happen overnight, instead I fall into sin or become discusted with myself and fall in to depression. Instead I never get started, or I do try but am unwilling to truly take the first hard steps and then give up or just over time forget I ever wanted to. there are so many things in my life that end like this, including dieting. All of this only leads more to the depression.

But something happened this new year that I hope and think will slowly put me on the path of dealing with all these things and getting back in control of my life, well I guess a better way to word that is giving the control of my life over to God and just following him. This is probably the best thing that my parents could have done for me right now. Yes my parents did it. They have challenged me to read through the Bible this year, and not just some half hearted reading but a true challenge, to read my Bible every day and slowly work my way through it. My mom even gave me a plan to follow that will make it more diverse that just a straight read through. Many years before I have started out with this goal in mind, but again not knowing how or where to start it never got very far. I have always found a lack in my life when it comes to knowing what God has to say in his word about so many things.

And not only have they challenged me to this,( at probably the best time in my life that they could have challenged me) they have set up an incentive to incourage me in my journey. But for every day that I miss a little bit of that incentive is taken away. I think with my parents help and support I can bring my walk back around. At the start of this year I see a small glimmer of hope ahead of me and I have a hope in my heart that that light will only grow as time goes on. with me reading Gods word everyday it means a more steady walk with him and the hope of so many of my longing being fulfilled.
Like I said before, this has come at a good time in my life. If they had challenged me earlier in my life I would not have been as opened to it, the desire would not have been there. I would have thought of it more as a nother thing that my parents wanted but I did not. God has truely prepared me to take this step in my life. I have seen this through my sister. My parents gave the challenge to both of us. But because we are at different places in our lives right now we have taken it differently. She is reacting the same way that i would have reacted just two years ago. With a rebelious and stubborn attitude of not wanting to be told what to do, Or I would have said to myself that I didn't need them to tell me what to do with my time or life. She may later see the importance of what they want for us but right now that is not where she is at and that is okay. But seeing her reaction makes me realise just how much being off at college has taught me and changed me and the way I view things now.

( Laura, you will be here soon enough, don't rush it, even though I may at times push on you the way I see things just ignore me, or take them in with a big grain of salt. One day you will be here and know what I mean. But don't think you have to grow up faster now because of were I am at. Don't think that at all. and please don't think that I want to change you. )

I know it sounds like such a small thing, just reading throught the Bible right? well, I guess that's all it really is, but to me right now it is so much more than that. Right now it seems like a way to actually survive in this world, to get through the year. So if you could be praying that I take this challenge and never let go of it and that I follow through with it and that God shows himself to me as I read his word and trust him that would be great.

Listening
Jennifer Knapp Kansas
Bebo Norman Ten Thousand Days

I'm almost done

Today all I have to do is study for my last exam in art history and pack. As soon as my exam is over tomorrow morning I am getting out of here. I can't wait till I can get home and sleep in my own room and bed and be with my family and friends again. If I had it my way I would drive through the night to get home, but I can't do that. I'm going back with my Grandparents and we are going to spend the night in Savanah and make the rest of the trip on Friday. I got a big paper and my German exam over with yesterday and I felt a big weight lift off of my shoulders. I'm having a hard time sitting still and studying for my last exam because I am so excited to go home. Christmas is here!!!!! I can't say it enough. I just wish that they didn't give us cumulative finals. That they would just take whatever our grade is in the class at the time and be done with it.

Oh I better go study, I'm being a very bad girl. I had some nasty tasting Easymac for lunch, cause it is pouring down rain outside and I didn't want to walk to the dining hall. Oh well. When I get home I get to help my mom with all of her christmas baking, which always means lots of bowls to lick!!! And my dad has tickets to go see the Lord of The Rings Two Towers when it is in theaters again and then I get to go see the last one The Return of The King.

It's a little lonely around here right now. My roommate has already finished her exams and left for the break, so I get to close up the room by myself. I just wish that I could leave right now. But I can't.

Listening
Christmas music on the netscape radio, puting myself in a good mood, and in the Christmas spirit!!!

Sorry that it has been so long since I last blogged. Things have been getting a little busier around here as we head in to Thanksgiving break and then the end of the term and Christmas break. Only three more weeks till I get to go home finally. Just for a general update, I am doing much better than I was the last time I blogged. I'm having some quiet times with God again. And I'm staying busy with school work. Trying not to get behind anymore. I have a big research paper due on Dec. 9th as my final but I really don't want to end up putting it off till the last minute. Which I do way to much of!!
ANYways, schools going pretty good, can't wait for it to be over. I registered for classes the other week and it was really nice and easy. Unlike my friend Katie's experience at UF. Academic Advising 101 you should check it out, and sympathize with her.
That is one of the things that I love about a small college. I have my academic advisor that I make an apointment with. I went to see her, she sat down with me at the computer and asked what classes i was looking at. I told her what I was thinking about, I had done some research about what was available online. We then clicked on the courses that I wanted and if they weren't available looked at others. Everything needed for registration is online and available to the students. As freshman we are required to go through our advisors. Prof. Prater is really nice, she works in the art department, but they make sure that all the advisors know about the General Ed requirements and are there to help you figure out what you want to do. Another thing about it being a small college is that they know where you need to go if you have a certain question and very rarely will you get the run around. After taking ten to fifteen minutes to register I left her office very satisfied. I am thinking about majoring in Education, probably elementary. and I want to minor in Physics. So she told me to go see someone in the education department to discuss the track that I would need to take to go about doing that.

I don't know if any of this is making any sense but it was all very easily done. And this past tuesday I met one of the education department heads at a luncheon and he said I could come see him anytime, his office is just done the hall from one of my other classes. And to get started with education, and to see if that's what I want to do all I have to do is take the Foundations of American Education course which he teaches. I love getting answers to my questions.

And at the same time, my Am. Lit. professor is trying to convince me to be an English major. Do you think that I could be an Elementary Education major, an English major and a Physics minor. That sounds like a lot of stuff to me. maybe we'll have to think about this a little bit more. Who knows what could happen.
Well after taking you through all of this I guess I should tell you what classes I signed up for.

For Winter term:
Personal Finance: based on Biblical Principals
Film history
For Spring term:
Intro to ROTC
Basics of ROTC
Modern European History
Elem. German II
Christian Traditions- a religions course
I'm looking forward to taking these classes. the sound pretty exciting. Well I have to run to class now. I'll write more later. There is an issue I wish to write my opinion about, and I think I will let my voice be heard. Have a great Friday. Four more days till Thanksgiving Break!!!

Heart ache continued...

Well I woke up this morning, went to breakfast and had a belgium waffle, started out in a pretty good mood, I got my German homework done last night and finally came up with something to write my paper on. I came back to the room and as my roommate was getting ready for class I decided to turn my computer on and check my e-mail. Well I first play around putting some music on that I want Sarah to hear and then I look at my inbox. I got an e-mail from my dad but the Subject is "sad news from Lesotho". now I know this can't be good. I was just there this summer, what could have happened between then and now. Well this is what the message read...

Hi Jessica,
Wes sent some sad news from Lesotho. I'm glad we got to see 'Me Mabene in August.
Love, Dad

Dear Atherton family,

We thought you would want to know that 'Memabene (sp?) died last week from cancer. She was diagnosed with a stomach cancer 6 months ago and was undergoing chemo in Bloem.

Sorry for the sad news.

Other news .. there was a fire in Roma. The complete row of shops in front of the Univ. was burned down. Ashley was insured for the contents of his store but the store itself is no longer useful.

Wes

Well your probably wondering who 'Me Mabene is. She was our maid in Lesotho. She would help mom around the house, watch me and Laura when mom and dad were gone and even clean our room when mom had told her to leave it alone so that we could clean it!!! She just couldn't stand the mess that we would leave!! She was kind of a part of the family. When I went back this summer we got to go up to her house to visit her. We knew that she had cancer and had had surgery and was taking chemo therapy, but I though she was going to be okay and she was getting better. Maybe it was just my little mind holding on to something I didn't want to let go of or accept. She would make dolls and sell them at the market, and we have several of them. On of them is wearing a wedding dress and she used an old flower button off of one of my dresses as the bouquet for it.

I've already missed one class this morning cause I'm still crying over it, but I can't miss my next one. Life just seems to be going done hill from here. And about the Thorns store that burned. I was just there this summer too. And I bought a hat and gloves there because it was really cold. I hope that they can rebuild and it will be okay. Well I have to go to class now. so I better suck it up for now.

Cracked Heart

Last weekend, fall break went great. My mom was here and my wisdom teeth surgery went well. I got to go shopping with her and hang out at my grandparents for the whole weekend. I also got my homework done. its now the begining of another long week to come. As my roommate keeps saying only two weeks and two days till thanksgiving break. I had writen a blog earlier about my wonderful Friday but it got deleted and I'm no longer in that happy mood to write about it. Lets just say that one of my classes got canceled and I got to go to a concert in the music building and I also got to go see a bunch of really funny skits and dances.

This week has been 1889 week, which is a celebration of the colleges founding in 1889. It's filled with a lot of different competitions between the classes. The week ends with a semi-formal dance on Sat. night. I went with a group of girlfriends and it was really interesting. I half to say that it was my first experience at a college party. Drinking and smoking and everything. The band that played was really good though and I had fun dancing. it is just a little disheartening to see people that you thought wouldn't drink with a beer in their hand, even if they are 21 or older. Do you know what I mean. Especially if it is someone that you kindof looked up to. I guess I can't get to upset over it, but it's just kind of sickening to hear all these stories of people that you know and all the stuff that they have done. overall it was a pretty good night though. We went to applebees for dinner before hand and I had a really good crispy chicken salad, and sizzling apple pie for dessert.

I'm just not looking forward to all the homework that I still have to do and the paper that I have to write for tuesday. I don't even know what I'm going to write it on. I'm feeling not so good lately. I'm living for the next weekend and for the end of the day and for Christmas break. I don't like that and I don't know at what point it got to be like that. I also don't know how to stop, I want to live abundantly and not always trying to just get through the day and not dive under. It's a big game of servival now. I feel like a pathetic bump on a log and a useless piece of leftovers. I feel so hungry inside for something more, I know that there is something else out there that there is more to life than this meaningless existance, I've experienced it before. But I don't know where to turn, I don't know who to ask for help, who to tell. I feel I have to do it all on my own. But I know I don't. I just want to go home. Right now I really don't like this college thing. I like Converse and stuff and the people are nice and I have made some friends. But I still hate it.

I don't feel ready to be here, to be on my own, the pressures are to much at times, and right now is one of them. I don't have any of my friends from home here with me and I miss all of the fellowship that I had back home. To say I'm struggling in a lot of things would be an understatement. At times I think that I am doing good, but i'm really just hiding what's really going on inside. my walk with God has been very inconsistant if that, and I feel that I'm being asked to lead spiritually when right know all I feel like is that I'm the one who needs the leading. I think I have finally found a church to go to that I like.

The weather here is really cold and I think it fits my mood and life very well right now.