Can I last

Christmas has come and gone and so has New Year's. The joy of spending time with my family and having nothing to do is over. Work and school have begun again. Thankfully this is going to be a light term academic wise. But who knows but God what it will be like spiritually and emotionally. I feel a heavy weight on my shoulders and on my heart that I have been carrying for a while and that has slowely grown. The holidays served as a time to mostly forget about it and not deal with it. By the end of last semester I could think of nothing else but getting away from it all, it was to depressing and convicting to deal with it. Even now, when I know that the only way to lift the burden that I feel is to face it and deal with it, me and God, I still don't want to look at it.

I don't want to think about what is going on in my heart and life because that means changing or doing something that will be hard. But at the same time I know deep down that this would actually be the better thing and that it will not be me alone who goes through it but that God is there to carry me through all the muck that I have to wade through to get to the next stepping stone in life. My heart feels heavy and I know some of the reasons why, but I don't really want to find out because it always means wrestling with God.

At the end of last semester my walk with God was nill to zilch, I hadn't picked up my Bible often and hadn't really spoken to him in a while, except of course to ask him to help me with my finals. I longed to have a better walk, to stop the ups and downs and walk a steady course. But I was almost ashamed, not knowing where to start. I long deeply to be a godly woman and to be pure and blameless before Him and the world. I long to be His servent, and to do his will, I want my life to reflect His glory. I long to understand and be filled with his wisdom like the book of Proverbs talks about. I long to know what his word says.

But when ever I look at what that means I don't know where to start, I become discouraged because it doesn't happen overnight, instead I fall into sin or become discusted with myself and fall in to depression. Instead I never get started, or I do try but am unwilling to truly take the first hard steps and then give up or just over time forget I ever wanted to. there are so many things in my life that end like this, including dieting. All of this only leads more to the depression.

But something happened this new year that I hope and think will slowly put me on the path of dealing with all these things and getting back in control of my life, well I guess a better way to word that is giving the control of my life over to God and just following him. This is probably the best thing that my parents could have done for me right now. Yes my parents did it. They have challenged me to read through the Bible this year, and not just some half hearted reading but a true challenge, to read my Bible every day and slowly work my way through it. My mom even gave me a plan to follow that will make it more diverse that just a straight read through. Many years before I have started out with this goal in mind, but again not knowing how or where to start it never got very far. I have always found a lack in my life when it comes to knowing what God has to say in his word about so many things.

And not only have they challenged me to this,( at probably the best time in my life that they could have challenged me) they have set up an incentive to incourage me in my journey. But for every day that I miss a little bit of that incentive is taken away. I think with my parents help and support I can bring my walk back around. At the start of this year I see a small glimmer of hope ahead of me and I have a hope in my heart that that light will only grow as time goes on. with me reading Gods word everyday it means a more steady walk with him and the hope of so many of my longing being fulfilled.
Like I said before, this has come at a good time in my life. If they had challenged me earlier in my life I would not have been as opened to it, the desire would not have been there. I would have thought of it more as a nother thing that my parents wanted but I did not. God has truely prepared me to take this step in my life. I have seen this through my sister. My parents gave the challenge to both of us. But because we are at different places in our lives right now we have taken it differently. She is reacting the same way that i would have reacted just two years ago. With a rebelious and stubborn attitude of not wanting to be told what to do, Or I would have said to myself that I didn't need them to tell me what to do with my time or life. She may later see the importance of what they want for us but right now that is not where she is at and that is okay. But seeing her reaction makes me realise just how much being off at college has taught me and changed me and the way I view things now.

( Laura, you will be here soon enough, don't rush it, even though I may at times push on you the way I see things just ignore me, or take them in with a big grain of salt. One day you will be here and know what I mean. But don't think you have to grow up faster now because of were I am at. Don't think that at all. and please don't think that I want to change you. )

I know it sounds like such a small thing, just reading throught the Bible right? well, I guess that's all it really is, but to me right now it is so much more than that. Right now it seems like a way to actually survive in this world, to get through the year. So if you could be praying that I take this challenge and never let go of it and that I follow through with it and that God shows himself to me as I read his word and trust him that would be great.

Listening
Jennifer Knapp Kansas
Bebo Norman Ten Thousand Days