Cracked Heart

Last weekend, fall break went great. My mom was here and my wisdom teeth surgery went well. I got to go shopping with her and hang out at my grandparents for the whole weekend. I also got my homework done. its now the begining of another long week to come. As my roommate keeps saying only two weeks and two days till thanksgiving break. I had writen a blog earlier about my wonderful Friday but it got deleted and I'm no longer in that happy mood to write about it. Lets just say that one of my classes got canceled and I got to go to a concert in the music building and I also got to go see a bunch of really funny skits and dances.

This week has been 1889 week, which is a celebration of the colleges founding in 1889. It's filled with a lot of different competitions between the classes. The week ends with a semi-formal dance on Sat. night. I went with a group of girlfriends and it was really interesting. I half to say that it was my first experience at a college party. Drinking and smoking and everything. The band that played was really good though and I had fun dancing. it is just a little disheartening to see people that you thought wouldn't drink with a beer in their hand, even if they are 21 or older. Do you know what I mean. Especially if it is someone that you kindof looked up to. I guess I can't get to upset over it, but it's just kind of sickening to hear all these stories of people that you know and all the stuff that they have done. overall it was a pretty good night though. We went to applebees for dinner before hand and I had a really good crispy chicken salad, and sizzling apple pie for dessert.

I'm just not looking forward to all the homework that I still have to do and the paper that I have to write for tuesday. I don't even know what I'm going to write it on. I'm feeling not so good lately. I'm living for the next weekend and for the end of the day and for Christmas break. I don't like that and I don't know at what point it got to be like that. I also don't know how to stop, I want to live abundantly and not always trying to just get through the day and not dive under. It's a big game of servival now. I feel like a pathetic bump on a log and a useless piece of leftovers. I feel so hungry inside for something more, I know that there is something else out there that there is more to life than this meaningless existance, I've experienced it before. But I don't know where to turn, I don't know who to ask for help, who to tell. I feel I have to do it all on my own. But I know I don't. I just want to go home. Right now I really don't like this college thing. I like Converse and stuff and the people are nice and I have made some friends. But I still hate it.

I don't feel ready to be here, to be on my own, the pressures are to much at times, and right now is one of them. I don't have any of my friends from home here with me and I miss all of the fellowship that I had back home. To say I'm struggling in a lot of things would be an understatement. At times I think that I am doing good, but i'm really just hiding what's really going on inside. my walk with God has been very inconsistant if that, and I feel that I'm being asked to lead spiritually when right know all I feel like is that I'm the one who needs the leading. I think I have finally found a church to go to that I like.

The weather here is really cold and I think it fits my mood and life very well right now.