Hey, I think I'm feeling a little more alive. but that may only be because it's morning. I always feel good in the morning. as the day progresses, especially by night, I feel more depressed or disgusted with my self. I don't know why, it's just who I am. Recently I've felt really disgusted about myself. I haven't been spending much time with my sister, partly because of work but then it's also my fault. I love her to death and I'm going to miss her a lot when I go off the college but I haven't been showing that love to her. And the stinky part is that she really needs me right now. My parents are about to leave for Korea for a week and a half and then they are here for a week and then they and my sister are off again to south carolina and Georgia to visit supporters and family and other things. So me and Laura are home alone for a while and then it will be just me. It seems like this summer is going by to fast and I'm not getting to spend time with my family and hang with them. I've been working at the horse camp every morning so that's kept me busy and I now have a job at the Florida mall so I'm gone in the afternoons too. I always feel terrible and left out and disconected when I don't spend time with my family.
I feel like crying. Laura just had a big thing happen in her life that she got in trouble for and i wasn't her to talk about it with her. I'm shure she would have confided in me but I wasn't her. And I promised her a while ago to take her to she a certain movie and now it's not in theatres any more. i also haven't writen my best friend in Paris in a while and I feel out of touch. I really do feel like a hermet and as much as I would like to be a monk It feels terrible to see things go one around you and not be involved. I love getting calls from friends and hanging with them and feeling special. But I never make the effert to call them so I don't blame anybody for my depression it's all my fault. but for some reason I don't do anything about it. My selfishness and selfdisgust is killing me but I don't know how to get out of it. I haven't spent time with God in a while and I miss it terribly. There is this ache inside to be with Him but I don't know how to fill it. I don't know what to do... do I pray, what about, do I write in my journal, what do I write, do I read my Bible, where do I start, do I do a devotional book, which one and will it help? And when do I spend time with Him, it seems Like it would take hours to have a fullfilling quite time and get everything off my chest that I want him to know and to really worship Him. Sometimes I don't like summers because my spiritual life goes dead along with my brain. And when that happens My heart goes dead to. Hense the fact that I turn into a hermit in the summer time.


Carry Me Through by LADS

Put your arms around, around this life of mine
And hold me for a while
I am trying to find a way to deal with this
But I don't know how

I can't stop this pain and I don't understand
What I'm supposed to do
Nothing seems the same, my world is falling down
How can I get through

Carry me through, carry me through this time
Now I need you, cause my world is falling down
Help me to find a way, to make it through another day
I need you here with me

On my knees again, I have broken down
The tears begin to fall
It feels like everything is slipping through my hands
And crashing to the floor

It seems i'm at the end
And I don't have the strength
To make it on my own
Put your arms around
Around this life of mine
And hold me for a while

Carry me through, carry me through this time
Now I need you, cause my world is falling down
Help me to find a way, to make it through another day
I need you here with me